Saturday, November 22, 2008

Do not tell me what God meant, I already know.

**Disclaimer: Sometimes we hear comments that while they are not meant to hurt, they do. If you have never gone through infertility, then it's really hard to understand. Why should those suffering with infertility feel any different about the longings for a family than those who or not suffering with this horrible disease (yes, it's a disease)?

Since losing the babies I have had good days and bad days. Slowly the good will outnumber the bad, of that I have no doubt. It does not mean that I go around hating life or never laughing. I love my life and I laugh and I smile and I live. I simply grieve. I grieve every day, ever hour. I mourn our children that are gone. I have been told that perhaps I should just be happy with Chase. I am happy with Chase. However, would someone tell that to a person who can conceive easily? We want Chase to be a big brother, he deserves that. We deserve that and we will not give up until that dream comes true.

Is it a difficult path we have been put on? One of the most difficult we have ever traveled. Is it worth the pain, money, time, and heartaches? If you take one look at Chase, you would know that answer and why we travel this road. While this is not meant to offend anybody, I do hope that maybe it can help those that don't have a very good understanding just a little bit. I did not write it, but it speaks so much truth.**

What God meant...

Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones; "just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant," or "why can't you just be happy with what you have," or the most painful from the ones who seem to have the good on God's plan; "maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never ceases to amaze me. These same people would never walk up to someone with cancer and say, "maybe God never meant for you to live." However since I am infertile, I am supposed to get on with my life.

It is hard to understand why people cannot see infertility for what it is: a disease for which I have the right to seek treatment. What if doctors said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of children to be cripples, live in iron lungs or die." What if they never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that was God's plan?

Why do I think God gave me infertility? I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up each time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, and to create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility. No, God never meant for me NOT to have children. That is not my destiny, that is just a fork in the road I am on. I have been placed on the road less traveled, and like it or not, I am a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and have greater inner strength on this journey to resolution and I haven't let him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God singled me out for special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and deep that when the baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest most refreshing drink I have ever known. While I would never have chosen infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could never experience the joy that I know awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And, the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice, I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility, I already know."


**I am grateful for
1) Christmas Lights (here they come!)
2) cold weather = less mosquitoes
3) closeness
4) chocolate milk - Chase would be lost without it
5) determination


AmandaHoyt said...

Wow, great post and I totally agree with everything you and the anon letter said. Very well put, Kahla. I'm so sorry you're having to go thru this. You are an awesome mommy to Chase (and your angels in heaven) and I can't wait to see what the future holds for you. :)
Hugs and many prayers,
P.S. I love how you list the things you are thankful for in each post. Very good idea :)
P.P.S. My Cait would also be lost without choco milk!

Michelle said...

That is just so BEAUTIFUL! There is nothing more that needs to be said. Thanks for posting this.

Two Kayaks said...

A beautiful post. I am here from Creme de la Creme and yours is the first post that caught my eye. Glad I came here today. Thank you for this.

Dreamer4agift said...

What a great post!!

Creme visitor

..soo.see.. said...

hi i'm here through creme too and i think what you posted is beautiful and true to the heart of almost every IF'er. oh.. and it's ok to grieve it's totally normal.