6 years since we said Goodbye

6 years ago we said goodbye to our precious twins that we so desperately loved and wanted. 6 years ago our hearts were shattered into a million pieces.  6 years ago we faced the hardest day of our lives.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of them and wonder what they would look like and be like.  They are gone, but never forgotten. 

***I am grateful for
1) the paths we've walked down and the ones we will walk down in the future
2) a wonderful summer, tomorrow it's back to work
3) Sonic drinks, it's the little things

5 years, a lifetime ago and yesterday.

Today makes 5 years since we said goodbye to our precious twins.  At times it feels like a lifetime ago, but my heart still aches like it were yesterday.

****I am grateful for
1) my rainbow baby
2) my oldest baby
3) love
4) those things that make us stronger
5) saying goodbye and knowing that one day we'll again say hello

They should be turning 4 today on Earth...

not in heaven.  Not a day goes by that I (we) don't think of our sweet twins (or Chase's twin).  What would they look like, what would their personalities be like, what things would they love?  But our story was written long ago and so was theirs.  We were meant to be here and they were meant to be angels.  I know without their loss, we wouldn't have Emery and that's a thought I can't bare, but I sure would've loved to have had them all.

****I am grateful for
1) my angels, here and on Earth
2) stories that were written long ago
3) cuddles
4) the rain
5) we are under 50 days until summer vacation = time w/my sweet ones

4 Years

Has it really been four years since we said goodbye to our sweet twins that were gone too soon? Sometimes it seems like just yesterday and then other times it feels like a 100 years ago. Not a day goes by that I don't think of what they would look like, what their personalities would be like, or what milestones they would be reaching now. I don't think that my heart will ever be the same. I know that things happen for a reason. I know that without their loss, I would not have my sweet Emery and I can't imagine my life without her. But even after 4 years, it still hurts so very bad. One day we shall all be together again my loves.


****I am grateful for
1) my beautiful healthy children
2) my last few days of summer vacation with the kids
3) joy after sorrow
4) clean bedrooms
5) fans

Our Angels

Our sweet twins should have been turning two today, instead they are in heaven watching over us. I bet Molly is sitting right beside them and their other brother (I know Chase's twin was a boy, just as I know the twins were a boy and a girl, I have no doubt). One day I'm gonna hold those four in my arms, it's going to be an awesome day! ***I am grateful for 1) Even if I never got to hold three of our sweet babies in my arms, I get to hold them in my heart forever, and I will meet them one day 2) Chase, he is truly a miracle from God 3) Emery, she is our secodn miracle from God 4) every single day, you just never know 5) Under 40 days of school left, I can do this.... right?

How do you stop the tears? (sad post, feel free to skip it)

This is absolutely killing me. One minute I'm fine and the next I'm just a puddle of sadness. I went to get my blood work today after taking Chase to the sitter and cried almost the entire way there. It seems like such torture to have to walk in there knowing that my pregnancy is over. I got the tears to turn off and took the walk down what felt like the Gre.en Mil.e to my REs. The lady in front of my signing in was on cloud 9 as she announced she was just there so they could check where her numbers were at today! Yeah, I was there just so they could just check mine too, just check to see if my babies were gone yet. I went back to get my blood drawn with the usual, "how are you today?" Awful. Horrible. Heartbroken. Devastated. Want to hear more? As the needle went in my arm for the countless time since June 23rd I felt the tears coming. I made my next appointment through the sobs and left. Sweet relief, a quiet elevator to myself. Nope, one floor down a glowing mom with her newborn got on. I just had to turn away, why let her see me sad and rain on her parade. As I got in the Tahoe the tears came again, it's like I have no control. I hate it. I made my way to the mall to pick up a treat for Doodlebug and ran into three different people I know. You guessed it, more tears. After the third run-in I figured it was time to get the heck out of there. On my way home it hit me, today was the day we saw Chase's heartbeat. Today is 6w5d. It was such a wonderful time w/Chase, today it is just another cause of tears. My numbers are slowly creeping down and I won't go back in until Monday. At this point we know they are not going back up, so at least I don't have to go in as much. Besides, I go back to work on Tuesday so every other day is impossible now anyway. I'm still waiting to m/c but have lots of cramps, that must mean it's on it's way. I just want it to be all over, I want to forget, I want to stop crying.

***I am grateful for
1) I have three more days with Chase before I have to go back to work
2) the holidays are almost here, October - December is my favorite time of year
3) I got the checkbook balanced, too bad there's not more money! ;o)
4) Our anniversary is coming up, 9 whole years
5) we got the decorating done for the entrance of the school and it looks pretty darn good

"...The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” Job 1:21

Our number has continued to drop, it is over. Our RE is as sad as we are. I have to continue blood work every other day until my number goes back to zero and we will wait to m/c naturally at this point. Losing one baby was devastating, losing twins is almost unbearable. I now have three sweet angels in heaven, at least I know they are together. We have no answers as to why, everything had gone so well. We will try again, but I'm not sure when. We are required to take at least a one month break before starting again. The school year is beginning, we have a wedding out of state in October, and then the holidays will be here. I refuse to spend our holidays planning around IVF, so it really looks like it won't be until after the first of the year at this point. I guess we'll focus on enjoying the time between now and the next cycle and using it to get healthier and relaxed again. I am going to miss these babies, our one week with no worries was pure heaven. I wish I could have bottled it up to keep forever.

***I am grateful for
1) we are supposed to get rain tomorrow and with rain comes rainbows
2) no more ups and downs, at least we know now
3) we have each other still
4) this weekend we are planning on taking the boat out
5) God never gives us more than we can handle

A Test of Faith

The past 10 days have tested my faith a lot, but today tested it more than I possibly imagined it could. After our two failed IVFs I was very bitter towards God. How could he allow people to have children that didn't want them or would harm them and not give us the child that we so desperately wanted? A sibling for our sweet Chase? My heart grew very cold and I got the point that I really didn't care anymore. I didn't care if we went to church, I didn't care if I prayed, I didn't care if the Lord was in my life. I was completely lost. With time the pain grew less and I found my way back to God. All along he was there with me, I just didn't see it. He has a plan, right? Then we did IVF#4 and we learned we had been given that child, that sibling for Chase we so longed for. Then we learned that our hearts were again being broken and that we were losing that child. I have prayed and tried very hard to keep God in my heart this time. I've tried to remember that he is right by me, holding my hand every moment. He loves me and does not want me to hurt, but sometimes things happen that we don't understand. This is one of those times. I just don't understand.

I don't want to think about this pregnancy and loss all the time, but I do. It haunts me. It invades my sleep and the moment I escape my dreams into reality it rushes to my mind. I love our church, I know I've said that before. However, this morning I had such a hard time getting up and ready to go. As we drove down the road it dawned on me that today was Baby Dedication Day. My heart sank and I could fill the tears welling up inside of me. I thought, "maybe no one signed up, maybe it got postponed." At least I hoped that that no one had signed up or it had been postponed. No such luck. As the families came up with their sweet babies, it was all I could do to not sob. Then, right in front of us, came the test. A family with twins, tiny, precious, perfect twin girls. I failed. I absolutely panicked, the tears flowed, and I bolted. I bolted right out of the auditorium and out of the church. I didn't know where to go or what to do, I just knew I had to get out of there. I had to get away from the babies, the joy, the celebration of life.

Jeff eventually hunted me down and we made it back to hear the sermon. The sermon was titled Overcoming the Obstacles. Could it have fit anymore? I don't know what to do. Part of me is so happy that I have Chase and he is so amazing. Yet part of me feels so sad and empty. How will I ever overcome these obstacles? I just don't know if I'm strong enough to do this.

****I am grateful for
1) today is over
2) I actually got to watch some of the Olympics this evening instead of The Dis.ney Chan.nel!
3) tomorrow we go to meet with our RE and discuss this horrible journey
4) the grocery shopping is done
5) I still believe miracles happen

No celebration today

Our BETA is back down to 190. We are stopping all meds and will go in on Monday afternoon for a blood draw and to talk directly to our RE. He still thinks it could be vanishing twin or it could be a pregnancy that is over but being sustained by the meds. My hopes are not high, I'm a reality person. I don't think I can handle the roller coaster anymore. I just want this part to end. We'll try again as soon as he gives us the all clear. I just never thought we'd be in this position and it breaks my heart.

**I am grateful for
1) tomorrow is a new day
2) time will ease the pain
3) this kind of pain is rare
4) I will go on to smile again
5) I have Chase

In less than 6 hours...

I will have the BETA results from today. They need to be at least 610 for a 60% increase and to double they need to be 762. Dear God, please let them be between these numbers (or higher)! I prayed for an hour straight in the middle of the night last night, I just couldn't sleep. I thought Wednesday was hard, but I have a feeling today may beat it. Please be a fighter baby, please.

**I am grateful for
1) It's Friday
2) Jeff will be home early
3) the good news I feel we will receive this afternoon
4) positive thinking
5) tomorrow we get to spend the day w/Duchess!

My 200th Post and a Celebration!

The last 49.45 hours have been so terrifying to me. I have been scared to death to say the least. I was actually worried about how I would make it through the day today (kudos again to Stacy for sticking w/me!!) knowing that this could be the day I find out I am losing our precious baby. After an extended wait (darn getting those results late) I found out that our number has gone from 186 on Monday to 381 today!!! They wanted a 60% increase and it slightly more than doubled!!! Our RE has cautioned that we are not out of the woods, but that it was a very nice jump! Praise the LORD!!! We will take it one day at a time and pray a lot that this little baby is a fighter like her big brother Chase was (yes, I think it's a girl). Thank you all so very much for your kind words, encouraging stories, and prayers. I am so very thankful for each and every one of you. I am still very scared, but so hopeful that all will be OK.



**I am grateful for:
1) all of you
2) rising numbers
3) Stacy
4) miracles
5) answered prayers

I am so sad today

I know I said I wouldn't talk about it, but my heart is so heavy. Maybe the rain from Tro.pical Storm Edo.uard is making it so gloomy that it's making my heart even heavier, I don't know. I keep thinking, I WANT this baby. I WANT Chase to be a big brother. I DON'T want to have to do IVF again, although I would in a heartbeat. I WANT THIS baby! I have tried so hard not to think about it, not to dwell on it, to accept that what will be will be. But God, it is so damn hard. I have prayed so much that my head feels like it could burst. I can't sleep because it invades my dreams. It takes all my strength to not just crawl under the covers and cry until I'm out of tears. I keep thinking, this isn't fair. It hurts too much, I can't handle it.

I know that miracles happen and everything can be OK. I want that so much... for everything to be OK. But then I pray that if we are meant to lose this baby, please Lord just take her quickly. I don't want it to draw out if it's not meant to be. Does that sound awful? I wish we were just normal people. I wish we could just have sex, get pregnant, and produce a baby. People who can do that really take it for granted. Hell if I could do that I'm sure I would take it for granted too. Why does this have to be so hard? I was so excited when I learned we were pregnant. I was so excited for us, for our family, but mostly for Chase. I want him to be a big brother so much. He wants it too. He tells me he wants a baby sister. This seems to be the one thing that I haven't been able to give him, maybe that's another reason it hurts so much. God, this is so damn hard.

***I am grateful for
1) we are definitely getting some much needed rain
2) it's not as hot today as it has been
3) I still have two weeks of summer vacation left, which means two weeks w/Chase
4) gas prices are down
5) in 7 hours Jeff will be home

I've landed smack dab in the middle of BETA hell

Today's blood work results told us nothing, not one.single.thing. My number went up from 166 to 186. Yes that's a rise, but it should be doubling every 48-72 hours. So going up just over 10% in 72 hours is not a good sign. My RE is not quite ready to throw the towel in yet, so I'll continue with my shots and go back on Wednesday for more blood work. Another 48 hours of pure hell. When Chase's number dropped, it shot back up w/in 48 hours so I'll be the first to admit that I am terrified. Chase does not like me being upset, so I am not going to cry anymore of this. Once he told his great-aunt on Saturday that his Mommy was crying and he didn't like it I knew I couldn't do it anymore. I've prayed, prayed, and prayed for this baby to be OK. Hell, I've even begged and tried to negotiate up to a point. I believed that we would have a healthy baby from this IVF. So, in order to keep from going completely insane over the next 48 hours and dragging my entire family with me I'm just going to not think about it. I'm not going to goo.gle, I'm not going to email, and I'm not going to blog about it. I refuse to search for success stories (which normally give me 10 sad stories to every happy anyway). I'll continue to pray and have faith that the Lord will continue to guide us. Our RE is awesome and his office manager has already told me that if we lose this baby, they will waive all the fees except for $1750 and will even help us find the meds we'll need so that we can try again. That is so nice of them, but I want THIS baby. I guess we'll just have to wait and see if this baby is a fighter like her big brother, please let her be.

***I am grateful for
1) the hurricane is going south of us, so it's not a direct hit
2) at least Jeff's birthday wasn't totally crappy
3) our number didn't bottom out
4) the glimmer of hope we still have
5) Chase, Jeff and my mom, what would I do w/o them??

9 days must mean we have this licked

I'm going to brag and say it, Chase is officially day-time potty trained. To be quite honest, he's just about night-time potty trained too, but we'll continue to wear pull-ups to bed for a while. I am so proud of him. It has been a full 9 days since he has worn a pull-up and in those 9 days there has not been one single accident... not one my friends! As it is, he wakes up maybe once every couple of weeks with a wet pull-up. So very impressive. I am so proud of him, what a big boy he has become!! Now if we could just convince him that he needs to wear something over his big boy underwear since he feels he should be able to see them and show them to the world!

..................

On the pregnancy front, I've had lots of prayers coming our way and I appreciate them all. I am so scared about tomorrow. It is Jeff's birthday, I pray it will be a good one. I am on progesterone, so I wouldn't bleed no matter what. Also, because my number had been has high as it was it doesn't do any good to take a pregnancy test because they would be positive (yes, I took the last one anyway thinking maybe the color of the line would tell me something, it didn't). I pray that we have only lost one child and that we still have a healthy baby in there, fighting to be with us, just like her big brother Chase did. I'll update when I know, the next 24 hours are going to be very, very long I'm afraid.

***I am grateful for
1) Chase is such a big boy!
2) miracles happen
3) tomorrow if Jeff's birthday, God I pray it's a good one
4) Chase's hugs and kisses
5) prayers

This can't be happening!

Our BETA dropped to 166 today. I can't believe this. We have been here before with Chase. It means one of two things.

1) We are losing the pregnancy
2) We are losing a twin

Now I say the most difficult prayer, please Dear Lord, please let us only be losing a twin. I just don't understand.

**I am grateful for:
1) prayers, please please send them
2) my miracle, please don't take it away
3) Chase, when he sees my tears, he makes me smile
4) hope
5) believe that this will be ok

I LOVE good news!

Just got the call that our BETA is up to 299, I was hoping for 300 so I'm thrilled!! On Monday it was 146 and they wanted to see a 70% increase so they said it is a nice, strong number. I was a little worried because today was the same time frame as the time we found out we were losing Chase's twin. To me this is a hurdle crossed! I go back Friday for my next round (I am so spoiled w/my RE). Thank you for all the prayers, they are being answered every single day!!!

***I am grateful for
1) continued prayers
2) continued miracles
3) even this slight chance of rain, we so need it
4) good news
5) the clouds, at least it isn't as hot as it was yesterday!

BETA looking good and all the tests say pregnant!

BETA came back at 146 today!!! My RE is very happy with the number and it looks like this baby is doing great! YEAH!!! I am so thankful!!! I go back on Wednesday for my next round of blood work, keep those prayers coming!

***I am grateful for
1) a good BETA
2) a new week
3) a heart full of joy
4) all those positive pregnancy tests
5) my two miracles

Chase is very excited to say....

it appears a little sibling is on the way!!! My BETA 9dp5dt is 55!!! I won't go into all the boring details, but we're having a baby!!!! I go back on Monday at 10 for my next round of blood work. It is still so early, very scary to me! We are praying that the numbers continue to rise like they should and that this is a healthy pregnancy!!! I think I could toss my cookies right now! I always read these stories about BETAs that are in the hundreds at this point, but mine more than doubled since Tuesday (27 on Tuesday) and that is what really matters (a 60% increase in 48 hours). OH MY GOD!!! Could this have really and truly worked???? Is Chase really finally going to be a big brother??????


Can you see it???????

***I am so grateful for
1) ANSWERED PRAYERS!
2) OUR BABY TO BE!
3) CONTINUED PRAYERS FOR A HEALTHY PREGNANCY!
4) AWESOME BLOOD WORK TODAY!
5) CHASE IS GOING TO BE A BIG BROTHER!

I will sing his praise!

I think I've said it before, but I'm a prayer. If I haven't said it, I like to pray. There... I'm outted. I am trying to teach Chase to pray. Not just as bedtime or supper, but whenever he feels like it. Although it is SUPER cute when he folds his little hands up at the dinner table and prays with us or how he asks God to bless everyone and everything at night from our family and friends to Shrek and Fiona the Goldlfish. I believe prayers are answered. Chase is my proof of that and he reminds me every single day how important prayers are. I'm working really hard on this right now, remembering how important prayers are, and not just when I want something. Although it's ok to pray then too, you know, when you want something. My biggest challenge is I'm a closet prayer. I like to do it alone, as in all by myself and not with other people around or listening or praying with me. I'm not comfortable in those situations, but I want to get over that. Praying with Chase outloud is my first step.

Anyway, back to prayers. I have asked for prayers a lot lately. For family that is having difficult times, friends that are struggling, and for us during this IVF cycle. I'll admit I don't want to have to do IVF again. I would, but I don't want to. I want to give Chase a sibling and be done. I'm tired of the shots/pokes (hey, I'm at 52 just for this round, but who's counting) and I'm tired of the overall physical, emotional, and financial strain it puts on us. Yes, it has brought Jeff and I much closer, but I don't want to have to do it anymore. I just want to be a wife and a Mommy and close this chapter of our lives. Anyway, I have prayed for strength during this cycle. Strength to make it through, strength to accept the outcome, and strength to not totally, completely obsess 24 hours a day making myself and my family complete basket cases. Most of the time, it's worked.

I had told myself on Monday when I didn't have to booster my HCG that it was a good sign because my body was doing what it should. However, in IVF #3 I didn't have to booster with my second blood work either. Then on my 3rd blood work my numbers had plateaued and I did. It was downhill from there. So today was that day. I joked with my nurse this morning that, "I'm a little bloated, a little crampy, my boobs are killing me thanks to the progesterone, and every once in a while a feel a little icky which is probably all in my head. So a bunch of stuff that means absolutely nothing!" She just laughed and said, well it could mean something.... or it could be the meds. ACK! She also said that boostering is not bad, but I've been there, I know it's the beginning of the end. Anyway, I just got the call and we do not need to booster!! I repeat, we do NOT need to booster!!!!!!! That means my number is going up on it's own!!!! Please let this be a good sign!!! I said, "No boosters is a good thing, right?!?!" She just laughed and said, "Yes, no boosters are a good thing!" Keep those prayers coming, I think we just might be on the right path here!!!

***I am grateful for:
1) NO BOOSTER
2) my embryos that are snug inside me and hopefully staying!
3) dreams
4) the smile on my face
5) the joy in my heart

6dp5dt

(6 days post a 5 day transfer)

Nothing much to report really. I'm crampy, slightly bloated, and just feeling blah. That can be good or it can be bad... I choose to think it's good. I had blood work yesterday and was told that I did not have to booster my HCG. If you booster you basically give your embryos more time to implant because you are tricking your body into thinking you are pregnant and not shedding your lining. So, to translate, that means my HCG (what the embryos produce) is doing what it should and there is not a reason to trick my body. I feel good about this. If I can make it through tomorrow's blood work w/o having to booster, that is an EXCELLENT sign! Send prayers!

***I am grateful for:
1) good blood work!
2) no boosters!
3) half way through the 2ww
4) the rain we are going to get (although hurricanes = not cool)
5) the hugs and kisses my Doodlebug gave me when he woke up this morning!