Monday, August 4, 2008

I've landed smack dab in the middle of BETA hell

Today's blood work results told us nothing, not one.single.thing. My number went up from 166 to 186. Yes that's a rise, but it should be doubling every 48-72 hours. So going up just over 10% in 72 hours is not a good sign. My RE is not quite ready to throw the towel in yet, so I'll continue with my shots and go back on Wednesday for more blood work. Another 48 hours of pure hell. When Chase's number dropped, it shot back up w/in 48 hours so I'll be the first to admit that I am terrified. Chase does not like me being upset, so I am not going to cry anymore of this. Once he told his great-aunt on Saturday that his Mommy was crying and he didn't like it I knew I couldn't do it anymore. I've prayed, prayed, and prayed for this baby to be OK. Hell, I've even begged and tried to negotiate up to a point. I believed that we would have a healthy baby from this IVF. So, in order to keep from going completely insane over the next 48 hours and dragging my entire family with me I'm just going to not think about it. I'm not going to, I'm not going to email, and I'm not going to blog about it. I refuse to search for success stories (which normally give me 10 sad stories to every happy anyway). I'll continue to pray and have faith that the Lord will continue to guide us. Our RE is awesome and his office manager has already told me that if we lose this baby, they will waive all the fees except for $1750 and will even help us find the meds we'll need so that we can try again. That is so nice of them, but I want THIS baby. I guess we'll just have to wait and see if this baby is a fighter like her big brother, please let her be.

***I am grateful for
1) the hurricane is going south of us, so it's not a direct hit
2) at least Jeff's birthday wasn't totally crappy
3) our number didn't bottom out
4) the glimmer of hope we still have
5) Chase, Jeff and my mom, what would I do w/o them??


Stephanie said...

Oh Kahla....I am sorry that you are going through all this. I will continue to pray and hope for you. I can't imagine how stressful this is. Your Dr.'s office sounds wonderful in the midst of all this. Hang in there. I Hope that Wednesday brings good news.

Diana said...

Hi Kahla,

I've been thinking about you lots. I was hoping for an incredible update from today's beta, and I can't tell you how sorry I am that you're in this terrible place. You know I have experience with this, and it's just indescribably horrible. A very lonely, desolate place. I'm sorry.

I read from one post back where you state about progesterone and bleeding. I used to think that, too, but the truth is that you can and do bleed when miscarrying and using progesterone. I did, and several other previous forum members did, too. So if you're not bleeding, that is a hopeful sign.

I used to talk to the advice nurses often during the 10 weeks that I was in pregnancy limbo hell. They had sooo many firsthand stories of betas that did all kinds of weird and unusual things. They cautioned not to give up until it was over. I pass this caution, and these second-hand success stories, over to you.

You will get through this time. In the meantime, grab whatever comforts you can: food, treats, luxuries, favorite movies, books, etc. You need to treat yourself very kindly right now.

I'm here if you need to talk.


crayonmommy said...

I am really thinking about you a lot. I am praying for a little fighter! I also hope that you CAN remain calm and that God gives you peace while you wait. The waiting sucks, I am sure. Love you!

Anonymous said...

(Courtney) Am thinking of you and praying for you! There is still hope, as you note and I'm surely praying for peace for you as you go through this uncertain time. IVF is roller coaster enough and this kind of tense touch and go is excruciating (as I so well remember from our experience a year ago). On a happy note, my friend just gave birth to a gorgeous little girl whose beta NEVER quite rose correctly and put them through the same kind of worries, but day by day passed and she just kept growing and growing and eventually the bloodwork wasn't the point, it was all about the scans. I so hope YOU and your little one will be such a story as well. Praying for God's peace to sustain you; He IS with you every step of the way. Hope you nurture yourself in these days!

Katie Baker said...

We continue to pray for you guys. We love you!

Tabby Cumer said...

(((Kahla)))) I just found your blog and didn't realize you were going through IVF right now. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Just have faith and know that He will get you through this. What is it they say??? "If He brings you to it, He will get you through it." The numbers did go up. You know from experience that this can have a positive outcome. Be strong for Chase. Please know that all of your friends in the box are supporting you and cheering you on and here for you. If you need to chat, pop online in the evening and I am here to lend an ear. I pray for good news tomorrow. (((HUGS))) sweetie.

Jen4 @ Amazing Trips said...

We're all praying for you over here. The triplets know all about Kahla and her babies in Texas and they are asking God to hold you close.