I will sing his praise!

I think I've said it before, but I'm a prayer. If I haven't said it, I like to pray. There... I'm outted. I am trying to teach Chase to pray. Not just as bedtime or supper, but whenever he feels like it. Although it is SUPER cute when he folds his little hands up at the dinner table and prays with us or how he asks God to bless everyone and everything at night from our family and friends to Shrek and Fiona the Goldlfish. I believe prayers are answered. Chase is my proof of that and he reminds me every single day how important prayers are. I'm working really hard on this right now, remembering how important prayers are, and not just when I want something. Although it's ok to pray then too, you know, when you want something. My biggest challenge is I'm a closet prayer. I like to do it alone, as in all by myself and not with other people around or listening or praying with me. I'm not comfortable in those situations, but I want to get over that. Praying with Chase outloud is my first step.

Anyway, back to prayers. I have asked for prayers a lot lately. For family that is having difficult times, friends that are struggling, and for us during this IVF cycle. I'll admit I don't want to have to do IVF again. I would, but I don't want to. I want to give Chase a sibling and be done. I'm tired of the shots/pokes (hey, I'm at 52 just for this round, but who's counting) and I'm tired of the overall physical, emotional, and financial strain it puts on us. Yes, it has brought Jeff and I much closer, but I don't want to have to do it anymore. I just want to be a wife and a Mommy and close this chapter of our lives. Anyway, I have prayed for strength during this cycle. Strength to make it through, strength to accept the outcome, and strength to not totally, completely obsess 24 hours a day making myself and my family complete basket cases. Most of the time, it's worked.

I had told myself on Monday when I didn't have to booster my HCG that it was a good sign because my body was doing what it should. However, in IVF #3 I didn't have to booster with my second blood work either. Then on my 3rd blood work my numbers had plateaued and I did. It was downhill from there. So today was that day. I joked with my nurse this morning that, "I'm a little bloated, a little crampy, my boobs are killing me thanks to the progesterone, and every once in a while a feel a little icky which is probably all in my head. So a bunch of stuff that means absolutely nothing!" She just laughed and said, well it could mean something.... or it could be the meds. ACK! She also said that boostering is not bad, but I've been there, I know it's the beginning of the end. Anyway, I just got the call and we do not need to booster!! I repeat, we do NOT need to booster!!!!!!! That means my number is going up on it's own!!!! Please let this be a good sign!!! I said, "No boosters is a good thing, right?!?!" She just laughed and said, "Yes, no boosters are a good thing!" Keep those prayers coming, I think we just might be on the right path here!!!

***I am grateful for:
1) NO BOOSTER
2) my embryos that are snug inside me and hopefully staying!
3) dreams
4) the smile on my face
5) the joy in my heart

I Breathe In, I Breathe Out...

Tonight was our annual Christmas party for the teachers at our school. I don't know if you've ever been to a teacher party, but these things can get pretty wild. Teachers apparently keep a lot of stress pent up inside and at parties it can definitely come out. Those that know me know that while I loved a good party in my younger days, those days are now few and far between. In the grand scheme of things tonight's party was a little more mellow than most. Sure there were the Victoria Secrets Undies making the rounds, margaritas and sangria, etc... but overall it was mild. Perhaps it was because one of our teachers will be moving after the holidays to another country due to her husband being transferred and this was our sad goodbye or perhaps it was just because we were all exhausted. Who really knows. However, there was a big announcement that yet another teacher is now expecting. Another teacher that is not me. Another teacher that is due one week before our sweet baby we lost would have been due. A teacher that is not married and who it seems is no where near leaving her partying days behind her. *sigh* Yes, I'm happy for her. It's great, she's having a baby. However, I must have looked like the weight of the world had dropped down on me because another teacher asked if I was OK. Sure, I'm fine... kind of... no... not really. It was all I could do to keep from crying. God what is wrong with me?

Earlier today I was told by a friend that they just didn't know how I did it. How I could handle this all. How I could seem so OK, when I had to be dieing on the inside. I just seem so, so strong. What she really wanted to know was, "How was I... really?" Well, if I have to be totally, completely, 100% honest, I'm crappy. My heart is broken. I'm scared. I'm devastated. All I can think is I should be pg right now. RIGHT NOW! I've learned to breathe in and breathe out. I've learned that all I can do is take it one day at a time and put one foot in front of the other. And even more, I've learned that I have to just pray that eventually it really will be as fine as everyone thinks it is. I'm trying to move on so hard that it hurts. I fight the pain and the tears and put a happy smile on my face and hold my head up high to face the day. I look at Chase and beg my heart to just move on and enjoy the now. But God, it is so damn hard.

So, in a nutshell, that's how I "really" am. I'm sure she was so glad she asked.

It's over...

Our BETA fell, it's over. Our baby just wasn't able to hang on. I don't understand why. This was our third fresh cycle, we've transferred a total of 10 beautiful embryos, and now lost two. Thank God I have Chase. We are going in for a consult on the 10th, but right now I just want to enjoy the holidays w/Chase and not be so sad anymore. He is so excited about the Christmas lights and everything else, how can I not be? We will try again, but being selfpay this is a killer for us. And it will have to be a fourth fresh, we have no frozen.

I've already heard the, "have ya'll thought about adopting, what about donor sperm, I would carry the baby for you, have you thought of being tested to see why this is happening?" from several people and it just makes me want to puke. People have no idea. None of those are things in store for us and to be honest I don't want to hear those things. No, we are not going to adopt. I am thankful for adoption, I have a niece through adoption, but it's not for us. Yes, we have male factor, but if our RE isn't worried since the eggs fertilize, neither are we. I don't need anyone to carry the baby for me, hell I had to evict Chase because he was going to grow old in me. And no, we haven't been tested and will talk to our RE at our consult. Anyway, I just don't want to hear those things from people who have no clue. Oh, one more thing I DON'T want to here: "It'll happen when the time is right." I know this. I know it will happen, but that doesn't make me feel any better right now.

I really hope I didn't offend anyone with the above, but I'd rather put it out there than hear those things.

We will try again, maybe in April. I just don't know right now. Thanks for the prayers, apparently it just wasn't time for them to be answered.

Yes, I know you are wondering where we stand w/IVF

I didn't want to post sad or upsetting news, so I hadn't posted. But I've been asked several times (ok, more than several) so here it goes. I had so hoped to hear good news this past Wednesday and even though what I heard isn't the worst ever, it certainly wasn't good. I was told that I needed to booster my HCG, the first since the Wednesday after our transfer when we boostered. I have been told no BETA numbers but I know they run this every time and had been told no boosters were a good thing, so this scared me. I asked if my numbers went down and they said no, but they have kind of plateaued. That means w/o them saying it that I'm pg, but it also means either we are losing one baby or losing the baby. We had vanishing twin w/Chase and went through this, so I'm praying we are not going to lose the baby... that we are only losing one. Isn't that one of the hardest prayers you can imagine? To have only lost one baby? It kills me. Of course they were closed on Friday so I don't get bloodwork again until Monday. At that time it will have either gone up (good) or down (bad). If you pray, we so need them right now. I have no idea what Monday will bring. I believe in my heart this cycle would make Chase a big brother and I saw my rainbow for those that know what I'm talking about. But right now, I just feel sick.

Nothing much to blog about.

We are now 4dp3dt (meaning four days post a three day transfer). I'm on my patches and pills, still getting my lovely progesterone shots every night, and bloodwork every other day. Of course I know nothing and have all kinds of "feelings" but when you are on the amount of meds I am you are going to have those things. I so wish we would find something out sooner rather than later. I'm feeling very positive, I just need it confirmed. I did a trigger HCG last night so HPTs are out of the question since it would come out positive no matter what. Just more waiting. At least the bedrest is done and Chase is back home, that part blew big time.

I did get our Nemo pictures back and they are crappy. Jeff found out that it is actually "Disney" that requests no cameras, I would so boycott them if my child wasn't totally in love with their characters. Oh well. I got a couple of good ones and will post those later. Of course they are just of Chase since you can't see anything but blurs on the stage, but I figure he's so darn cute you'll enjoy them anyway.

Hope all is well with all of you! It's almost Friday!

Babies on Board (ET Update)

Yesterday's transfer went very well. All four made it and looked really good. At Dr. Gill's advice we transferred all four. We were going to ask if we could, so we were happy he brought it up first! We ended up with 1-8 cell and 3-6 cells. We are very optimistic and our BETA will be somewhere around the 25th.

And then there were four....

After not being able to stand it any longer I called our RE's office at 3:00 to see if our fertilization report was in. It was. Four out of the nine fertilized, not what I was hoping and praying for. Before anyone leaves me a comment saying four is fantastic, all it takes it one, etc, etc I know all of that. I know that it only takes one. I know that four is better than none. I know that it will all be OK and this cycle will be a success. What disappoints me is that judging by our past two cycles that also both had four fertilized, we will have none to freeze.... and that is what I was hoping and praying for. I just thought that with nine eggs, we had a chance. I thought that with nine eggs just maybe we'd be able to freeze some and down the road if we wanted another child (which I can pretty guarantee will happen) I wouldn't have to go through another stupid round of shots and the dreaded egg retrieval. But apparently four is our number and for the third cycle in a row, this is the number it shall be. So, I'll suck it up, get over my disappointment, and move on to positive thinking that what does it matter if we only have four... it will still give us our baby!

Our transfer will be at 8:00 on Sunday morning and then the bedrest begins. I'll start going in for "every other day" bloodwork on Wednesday and we should know shortly after Thanksgiving. The lovely shots begin again tomorrow, so wish my hips some luck (good thing they are so meaty). Our due date would be August 1st, which is neat because August 4th is Jeff's birthday. That would be one hell of a birthday present!

P.S. Doodlebug is doing so much better, he is back to his wonderful, happy self! We are going to Finding Nemo on Ice in the morning, so look for pics to come!

The official number..... 9!!!!

The retrieval went smooth, actually much better than last time. Last time it took seven tries to get the IV in, this time it took one (I LOVE that nurse)! When I came out from the anesthesia I was told the count was at 8, but then Dr. Wong came out and said we had 9. 9 wonderful, beautiful eggs (according to me)! That is more than we have ever gotten, so we are very happy. Now we just need prayers that they will all be mature, good quality, fertilize well, and grow! I would be ecstatic if they all make it because we could transfer three and freeze six for future transfers. Oh I hope that happens. Actually, having any to freeze would make me extremely happy! We'll get a call tomorrow afternoon to let us know how they are doing and expect to transfer on Sunday morning. I feel really, really good about this cycle and Jeff has no doubt it will be nothing but good news. I'm taking it as a sign! I did get sick from the anesthesia and am still a little woozy, but that's normal and I'll be fine. As Jeff said, you have to go through the bad stuff to get the good stuff!

Thank you for the prayers!

Oh, please send prayers for Doodlebug too. Jeff had to take him in to the Dr. this afternoon and he has a terrible sinus infection..... stupid allergies. He also has a very red throat from the draining and has been put on a strong antibiotic, Mucinex, and Claritin. He spiked a fever of 103.4 early this evening, which is always so scary to me. Fortunately it seems to be breaking thanks to Motrin. I always hate when my sweetie is sick, but even worse we have Finding Nemo on Ice tickets for Saturday and we have been talking about it for weeks so he is very excited. Please pray that he is feeling better very soon and can go and enjoy the show! Thanks!

Tomorrow is the big day (well, big day #1)

I took my trigger shot last night at 11:00 and we are to be at the hospital at 9:30 on Thursday morning for a 10:30 retrieval. We'll find out Friday afternoon how many fertilized and how well they are doing. Please, please, please send prayers that all goes well. We are praying for good eggs, strong sperm, and an excellent fertilization report. The retrieval is my least favorite part (if you can have a *least* favorite) of IVF and I will be very glad once we are past this hurdle. I'm terrified I will ovulate on my own and I hate being under anesthesia where I have no clue what's going on. Also, Jeff is doing his thing during this time so he's not w/me and I hate that the most. Deep breaths, deep breaths.

Just a quick update on IVF #3

Time simply goes too fast. I feel like we've barely had a minute to rest this last week, much less sit down at the computer and actually make a blog entry worth reading. Perhaps I'll have some free time after the first of the year!

IVF #3 is going well. I'm stimming away rather well and it looks like we'll trigger tomorrow night and have our egg retrieval on Thursday (I love how I say we, when I really mean I will). I know that I have made more eggs this time, but have no clue how many. I feel like I could pop at any given moment. A Thursday retrieval means that our transfer will be on Sunday. We've never had a weekend transfer, so that is something new this time around.

Good news is a Sunday transfer means that we will still be able to attend Nemo on Ice this Saturday! I was really worried I'd miss it and am thrilled that things are working out this way. Bad news is it means I'll be on bed rest Sun - Wed. Other than the fact I hate bed rest, it means that I'll miss three days of work and that is tough. Guess it could be worse.

Oh to end the post I'll say that rifle season (deer) opened this past weekend and of course Jeff had to go hunting. He got a very nice doe last night and when Chase saw it he yells, "Dat's a BIG deer.... but it's broken!" Yes, you could say that. Then he gladly climbed up on the step stool to take a picture w/Daddy while looking at the deer w/total excitement in his eyes. He is soooo going to be his Daddy's clone and I love it!

Hi, I'm Grumpy

Either it's something in the air or stress may be getting to me because I have been a royal grump these last few days. Tuesday I came down with a nasty little bug and that on top of 20 kiddos that are beyond excited about Halloween's upcoming arrival about did me in this week. I've noticed that lots of little things are on my last nerve and cannot even express my excitement in the fact that tomorrow is Friday. I will give myself through tonight to finish my grumpiness and then tomorrow it's back to smiles (am I the only one that actually bargains w/myself).

I also have some AWESOME pictures of Chase and Madison to post, but since I have to first upload them to the server they will have to wait until tomorrow. I will tell you that it's worth the wait just to see those two cuties and gussied up in the Halloween costumes!

And, on a whole different note it seems as though *Operation - Shot in My Arse* (OSIMA) will start bright and early tomorrow morning with my first injection of FSH (follicle stimulating hormones... yes, hormones, just what Ms. Grumpy needs more of). Even better we are doubling my dose this time around, some girls have ALL THE FUN! Oh I can't wait.

Either side will be fine, they are both meaty...

Now seriously who says something like that? Hearing those words come out of my mouth made the first shot of IVF #3 abundantly realistic. I knew it was coming for almost three weeks now, but unlike the other times it seemed very surreal up until this point. I guess this means that we are really doing this.... again. One shot down, dozens and dozens (and dozens) to go. My lovely *friend* should arrive in 5ish days and then on d3 (day 3 for those not up on my IVF lingo) I will start my daily shots. Here goes nothing...

Third times a charm....

Today will be the official day 1 of IVF #3. I will start BCPs on Saturday and it looks like we will start daily shots around the end of October. Retrieval/transfer somewhere in the 2nd week of November and a positive pregnancy test just after Thanksgiving. Deep breaths, deep breaths.

He said I'd know....

Our RE told me that I'd know when I was ready to cycle again. Last time I was excited and eager. I was ready for the shots, ready for the ultrasounds, ready for it all. I figured when the time was right, I'd feel that way again. Yet here we are, just two weeks away from starting birth control pills for IVF #3 and I feel none of that. In fact, I feel scared and sick when I think about it. *sigh* I don't know what it means. Does it mean that I'm not ready? Does it mean that I want to just call it quits? Please God, help me through this because my time is running out fast. I don't know what to do. :o(

Also, my mom has a big job interview in the morning that we would all really, really love for her to get an offer on. So if you are the praying type, please send them her way! TIA

Apparently relaxing doesn't make babies and neither does sex...

Acupuncture is what makes babies.

Today I had my first acupuncture appointment. Since I've had my share of pokes in the past I wasn't afraid of the needles, just a little nervous because it was a new place and something that was unknown to me. As I figured it wasn't bad at all and I only have two spots that are the tiniest bit sore. Of course Master Thei (pronounced Ty) is sure that given a few months he can get us pg w/o IVF. I had been told he would say this by my friend Lisa that referred us there. The assistant saw her name on my referral and happily told me that she was the one pg with twins now, right? I smiled and said yes, twin boys. I just didn't have the heart to tell him that she is pg with twins via her last IVF. I figured I'd just give him that one.

Anyway, it's always funny to me when people say things like relax and you'll get pg or now that you've had a baby you'll get pg. Or as in today's case where Master Thei feels like he can readjust my system and get my womb ready for a healthy baby and healthy mommy (his words). I find this hilarious because we are dealing with male factor meaning that there's a little more to it than that. Oh well, we agreed that I would go once a week and that it would take several cycles, but that we'd stick to until I got pg. Again I didn't have the heart to tell him that we would still be doing IVF in October even though he was positive we'd be fine. I guess when it works (thinking positive) I'll just let him have that one too.