I Breathe In, I Breathe Out...

Tonight was our annual Christmas party for the teachers at our school. I don't know if you've ever been to a teacher party, but these things can get pretty wild. Teachers apparently keep a lot of stress pent up inside and at parties it can definitely come out. Those that know me know that while I loved a good party in my younger days, those days are now few and far between. In the grand scheme of things tonight's party was a little more mellow than most. Sure there were the Victoria Secrets Undies making the rounds, margaritas and sangria, etc... but overall it was mild. Perhaps it was because one of our teachers will be moving after the holidays to another country due to her husband being transferred and this was our sad goodbye or perhaps it was just because we were all exhausted. Who really knows. However, there was a big announcement that yet another teacher is now expecting. Another teacher that is not me. Another teacher that is due one week before our sweet baby we lost would have been due. A teacher that is not married and who it seems is no where near leaving her partying days behind her. *sigh* Yes, I'm happy for her. It's great, she's having a baby. However, I must have looked like the weight of the world had dropped down on me because another teacher asked if I was OK. Sure, I'm fine... kind of... no... not really. It was all I could do to keep from crying. God what is wrong with me?

Earlier today I was told by a friend that they just didn't know how I did it. How I could handle this all. How I could seem so OK, when I had to be dieing on the inside. I just seem so, so strong. What she really wanted to know was, "How was I... really?" Well, if I have to be totally, completely, 100% honest, I'm crappy. My heart is broken. I'm scared. I'm devastated. All I can think is I should be pg right now. RIGHT NOW! I've learned to breathe in and breathe out. I've learned that all I can do is take it one day at a time and put one foot in front of the other. And even more, I've learned that I have to just pray that eventually it really will be as fine as everyone thinks it is. I'm trying to move on so hard that it hurts. I fight the pain and the tears and put a happy smile on my face and hold my head up high to face the day. I look at Chase and beg my heart to just move on and enjoy the now. But God, it is so damn hard.

So, in a nutshell, that's how I "really" am. I'm sure she was so glad she asked.