Rain, Rain, Go Away (a sneak peak)

A couple of months ago a friend gave us the name of her photographer that was doing a book on families that had struggled with infertility and overcame it. She was looking for 10 families in the area to do a photo shoot with and write their story. The book will be published and part of the proceeds will go to Resolve, the national infertility foundation. I had forgotten about it when I got a note from the photographer on my wall and decided to go ahead and submit our story. Turns out the photographer also did IVF (three rounds) and with the same awesome RE! Long story short, we were chosen and had our miracle session was yesterday. Of course, we're in the middle of a drought here in TX, but it rained yesterday. So we shot some pics, and ran for cover, shot some more pics, and ran for cover... you get the picture. My hair didn't really love the weather, but it turned out OK despite our fears of being rained out. What's a little mud and water to a group of tough Texans!?! ;o)

Below is a sneak peek of our session and if they are any indicator, I think I'm going to have a really hard time choosing which pictures to buy! Please note that while you may enjoy and share the pictures, you may not crop or edit them in any way (not only would that be wrong, but it's illegal)! I so can't wait to see the rest of them!!!



***I am grateful for
1) my little miracle family
2) an awesome RE that has helped so many
3) the rain, despite it hitting at the wrong time, we so needed it
4) awesome pictures
5) sneak peaks :o)

Photos were taken and copyrighted by Kara Powell Photography

How do you know?

When we started trying for a family we just assumed it would happen. We had been responsible, waited until I was done with school, good jobs, nice home, all those things that make you think you're ready. Then it took longer than we thought. Way longer. Then we were ready for #2. And it took longer than we thought. Way longer. Now we have two frozen and I really have no idea when to use them. Even though we didn't plan it this way, the age difference between Chase and Emery is awesome (4 1/2 years). We have never dealt with any jealous issues and they get along great. I don't know if we got lucky, or if he truly understood what was going on when Emery came along. However, we're also older than we ever thought we'd be at this point in our lives. Let's just say both of us are getting a lot closer to 40 than 30 (Jeff being even closer than I am of course)! ;o) So waiting another three years just isn't really something we want to do. However, when I held our cousin's little boy at Christmas, Emery went crazy. Like trying to hit him crazy. So it makes me think that anytime soon is too soon. Ugh. How do you know? Then I tell myself these may not even make it through the thaw and if they do, they may not take. So many variables, it's just too much. We won't even go into the finances department because everyone knows the economy sucks so that's not saying anything new. Sometimes being a grown up and having to make decisions is just so darn tough!

****I am grateful for
1) being free to make decisions
2) our totsicles
3) the winter storm, love the cold weather (just not the wet/cold weather)
4) the age of technology
5) video monitors

Babysteps

If you're dealing with IF, going through treatments, or just need someone that will understand I have a great site for you! When I first learned we needed IVF I found a great group of women on Resol.ve who totally got what I was going through. Since I didn't have that in day-to-day life it was awesome. After some no so great trolls invaded Resol.ve a new site was started that was private and made you feel much safer. If you are looking for support, please go to www.babysteps.youknowwhat and sign-up. Trust me, they are awesome!

She's Baaaaaack (and no, I still didn't slap her but I should have)

Remember the bouncing aide that wanted to know if I was gettin' on the baby train and then proceeded to tell me that I needed to drink the water. Well you'd think she would have gotten the hint that I really didn't enjoy our little conversations and that really they rather pissed me off, but it turns out she totally didn't. I know, shocking.

I really do try and avoid her if I can, but sometimes I swear that girl can see around corners. This time she wanted to know if we would be doing that "IVF thing" again. Ugh, here we go again. I said that yes we were planning on it again in January and hoped that would be enough to satisfy her for this round... of course, it wasn't. She went on to ask if we would be "going" for twins again this time. I quickly explained that there was no "going" for anything and that we would transfer three if we were blessed with three to transfer and that if we got pregnant with twins we'd be thankful. There was no guarantee with the whole process and you never knew what you'd get. Again, not enough for her.

She also wanted to know if my doctor ever asked us to reduce when we were pregnant with twins. I almost turned and walked away, probably should have. I told her no, in neither of our pregnancies were we or would we have been asked to reduce. She went on to tell me about about a parent that did IVF last year and got pregnant with triplets and the doctor asked her to reduce and she didn't and she lost all three, etc. I cut her off to tell her that yes, that happened to be a friend of mine and I knew the story, didn't need for her to tell it to me. I never really did figure out her point, surely she had one, right?

The conversation ended with her telling me that doing IVF in January would give us an October baby, I just nodded and said we'd take it. Then she wanted to know why we didn't wait a month or two so that we could have a December baby. WTF, seriously? I just smiled and said we'd be happy with any baby, any time.

I'm sure glad that we're on break so that I won't have to get anymore news or advice from her for a while, I think my head is on overload.




**I am grateful for
1) Duchess comes home from CA tomorrow!
2) Christmas is almost here
3) house is clean, well cleaner
4) Christmas Break has arrived
5) Christmas presents are wrapped (well, most of them)

I've figured out what I'm doing wrong.

This afternoon one of our aides came bouncing down the hall to ask me if I was, "gettin' back on the baby train." At first I was dumbfounded she'd ask me this, but that's just the type of person she is. I looked at her and said that as much as I'd love to be, we have to do IVF so it's not an easy or cheap task. She replied with an "oh" and then, "well go drink the water because apparently there's something in it." I wanted to slap her hard but being the professional I am I resisted. I did ask her if she was aware that we had just lost twins 109 days ago (OK, I didn't give her the actual days, but I could have) and again she just giggled and made another water comment. Seeing as how I was getting absolutely nowhere on the whole "I'm a bitter unable to get pregnant on our own person so leave the hell alone front" I gave in to play the game. You know the one I'm talking about.

Me: Are you pregnant?
Her: Oh no, not me, giggle, giggle.
Me: Then who?
Her: Oh, I can't say.
Me: Oh come on, you can tell me.
Her: Well, since you insist...

yeah, that game. Turns out another unmarried teacher is knocked up. I'd say what am I doing wrong, but apparently I can answer that... I got married and THEN tried for the baby. Stupid me.




**I am grateful for (you know, sometimes this seems so hard *sigh*)
1) frozen pizza - easy, fast, cheap, good
2) hot showers
3) good cries
4) candy canes
5) chocolate

Do not tell me what God meant, I already know.

**Disclaimer: Sometimes we hear comments that while they are not meant to hurt, they do. If you have never gone through infertility, then it's really hard to understand. Why should those suffering with infertility feel any different about the longings for a family than those who or not suffering with this horrible disease (yes, it's a disease)?

Since losing the babies I have had good days and bad days. Slowly the good will outnumber the bad, of that I have no doubt. It does not mean that I go around hating life or never laughing. I love my life and I laugh and I smile and I live. I simply grieve. I grieve every day, ever hour. I mourn our children that are gone. I have been told that perhaps I should just be happy with Chase. I am happy with Chase. However, would someone tell that to a person who can conceive easily? We want Chase to be a big brother, he deserves that. We deserve that and we will not give up until that dream comes true.

Is it a difficult path we have been put on? One of the most difficult we have ever traveled. Is it worth the pain, money, time, and heartaches? If you take one look at Chase, you would know that answer and why we travel this road. While this is not meant to offend anybody, I do hope that maybe it can help those that don't have a very good understanding just a little bit. I did not write it, but it speaks so much truth.**




What God meant...

Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones; "just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant," or "why can't you just be happy with what you have," or the most painful from the ones who seem to have the good on God's plan; "maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never ceases to amaze me. These same people would never walk up to someone with cancer and say, "maybe God never meant for you to live." However since I am infertile, I am supposed to get on with my life.

It is hard to understand why people cannot see infertility for what it is: a disease for which I have the right to seek treatment. What if doctors said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of children to be cripples, live in iron lungs or die." What if they never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that was God's plan?

Why do I think God gave me infertility? I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up each time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, and to create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility. No, God never meant for me NOT to have children. That is not my destiny, that is just a fork in the road I am on. I have been placed on the road less traveled, and like it or not, I am a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and have greater inner strength on this journey to resolution and I haven't let him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God singled me out for special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and deep that when the baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest most refreshing drink I have ever known. While I would never have chosen infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could never experience the joy that I know awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And, the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice, I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility, I already know."

Anon

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**I am grateful for
1) Christmas Lights (here they come!)
2) cold weather = less mosquitoes
3) closeness
4) chocolate milk - Chase would be lost without it
5) determination

I certainly won't be adding that to my list of top 10 fun things I like to do.

Instead of a HSG I had a hysteroscopy today. I can certainly say that without a doubt I will NOT be adding that to my list of top 10 fun things I like to do! Since we do IVF I did not need to have the liquid go all the way to my fallopian tubes, so that was a plus. However, turns out that inserting a camera into your vajayjay requires that certain areas be dilated. Dilated people. Dilated like meaning stretched. Ummm... ouch. There were some numbing shots given, but good grief - dilating a cervix = not much fun. Good news is my uterus is perfect, I even have pictures to prove it. I'd upload them but I don't really want the entire Internet world checking out my insides so I'm sorry to say you don't get to look. *wink* Of course I'm thrilled to know that it looks good, but that just means no answers as to why we lost the babies. I guess God just needed some baby angels and mine were so perfect, he chose them.

I'm off to take some feel good pills and lay down, hope everyone is having a funner day that I did. I could honestly tell my OB/GYN that as much as I like him, I would have much preferred to have been at work with my 18 - 6/7 year olds!




**I am grateful for
1) Thanksgiving is almost here
2) school holidays next week, can I get a whoop, whoop????
3) tomorrow is Friday!
4) I get to see my grandparents next week
5) a perfect uterus (now if we can just get a resident in there for a good 9 months, it'd be great)

Envy - The Dark Side

Envy: Resentful or painful desire for another's advantages.

This would be the feeling I have felt not once, but twice today... and it makes me hate myself. It makes me feel selfish and insecure. It causes my eyes to sting and a huge lump to rise in my throat. It makes me want to lock myself in a room and throw away the key so I never have to come out.

I found out that another teacher is pregnant. For those that don't know, this makes number seven for the school year. Seven teachers that aren't me. Seven teachers that will hold their sweet bundles of joy while all I hold is a memory of what should have been, but isn't.

As if that wasn't enough to take in, I received an email inviting me (and all the other employees on our campus) to a baby shower for the teacher that is due one week before my due date. The one that is getting her nice baby bump that makes me want to run screaming in the other direction every time I see her in the hallway. The one that makes my heart ache because that should be me. I don't think I can make it through that shower and the sad thing is that I guarantee you very few would understand... not that most would even notice my absence.

I hate days like this. I hate when I look at Chase and watch him play with other kids and realize that he should have a sibling but doesn't. He loves babies and I know he would be an awesome big brother. It's just.not.fair. I hate that every month I pay out over $350 towards IVFs and others are spending that money on babies/children that they didn't have to *pay* to get (or not get as in the case of our last two IVFs). I hate that we are having to "find a way" to pay for IVF#4, when others try for two months and get a positive pregnancy test. I hate that I have no clue how we're going to pay for this again and it scares me that maybe it won't happen. I hate myself for hating these things.

I am thankful for Chase and God knows he means more than anything to me, but this envy is slowly dragging me to the dark side.

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

There is a person that I see on a daily basis (well Monday through Friday, I'm sure you can figure it out) that is a complete and total... well idiot to put is nicely. I mean I suppose she can't help it, but just the same she is. She is one of those "I know it all" kind of people and reality is that she doesn't know half as much as she thinks she does. I do not like those kind of people one.tiny.bit. I try, but I just can't.

On Friday there was a new movie opening called Baby Momma or something like that, surely you've seen the advertisements. Without going in to the full story line from what I know it's about a woman who can't carry her own baby so she hires a white-trash surrogate to carry it for her. Now being a IF conqueror (how do you like the way I put that), IF is certainly a very touchy subject in my book. And being that IF is a touchy subject, I certainly don't feel like it should 1) be taken lightly or 2) be made the butt of a joke in a movie. Now Jeff and I beat the odds and have a child of our own that I carried. One day, God willing, we'll have another child that I carry. However, we have met several during our IF journey that have become good friends and unfortunately will never be able to carry their own child for one reason or another. This movie is really hurting them... and I don't like that at all.

In a meeting on Friday among a small group of people, for kicks let's just say it was the first grade team meeting... OK, it was the first grade team meeting, this movie was brought up and how hysterical it looked. Everyone knows what we have gone through in this last year (first our negative and then our loss) and everyone also knows that another teacher's daughter is going through IF right now and she is really struggling with it all, so I was a little shocked by this topic. Being the opinionated person I am I quickly piped up and said that I didn't think this was a *hysterical* subject at all and that there were a lot of people hurt by this movie. Dumbass... er I mean idiot, then went on to tell me that I just needed to move on and couldn't be offended by movies. Excuse me??? As I went on to explain that I can be offended by whatever I want and that one of my biggest issues were my friends that were hurt by this movie she told me that I just needed to tell them not to see the movie. Oh yeah, there's the solution... why didn't I think of that?

Seeing as how I was talking to an idiot after all I told her to let it go since she would never understand something she hadn't experienced and she responded with that if it came to spending all that money on IF she would just adopt and give a child that was already born and needed parents a home. Ugh, last straw. If anyone knows of a healthy, Caucasian baby boy or girl, that has mine and Jeff's genes (you know, since that's what we want and have a right to want, just like those not suffering though this horrible disease of IF want) please let me know. Because I'm willing to give him/her a home. At that point all I could do was tell her that I pray she is never faced with IF because let's face it, we all know she couldn't handle a path that tough (OK, I didn't say the last part, but I really, REALLY wanted to).

I'll just have to keep reminding myself that some people are just idiots and after all the opening of their mouth, usually involved the insertion of a foot.

Why does it have to be so damn hard?

Today we went to Chuck E. Cheese to celebrate Memaw's birthday. Memaw, for those that don't know, is Jeff's mother. Chase is adamant that no matter who you are, you WANT to celebrate your birthday at Chuck E. Cheese's, so that's what we do. Normally this is not a problem but either the fact that the teacher I work with that is due just a week before we would have been is really starting to show or the fact that I feel like in just a few months I'll be turning 32 which puts me one year closer to being that dreaded age of 35 (you know, when apparently your body goes to crap and your eggs go sour or something of that affect) is really doing a number on me. I swear that there must have been 50 women in there with brand-new babies or pregnant and glowing. It made me want to run straight out the door. *sigh* That should be me.

I think about life and tell myself we did everything right. We dated, got engaged, got married, built a house, graduated from college, had steady, good jobs, then decided we wanted to start a family. Perhaps if we took our wedding rings off, went to a bar, pretended not to know each other, went to a sleazy motel, and had meaningless sex I'd get knocked up. (Sorry Mom, just ignore that sex part.) I just want a healthy baby, why does it have to be so damn hard?

Infertility rears it's ugly head.... again

Infertility does horrible, horrible things to a person. I'm not talking about physically, I'm talking mentally. It drains you right down to your very soul. It makes you want and hate and feel guilty over things that you never thought you would. It makes you cry and then hate yourself for actually giving in to the pain and letting yourself release everything that you keep so tightly bottled up inside of you. I thought I was a strong person, I'm sure I've said that before. The last seven months have seriously made me doubt that. Last night not only made me doubt it, it made me accept that perhaps I'm not quite as strong as I thought I was.

A friend wanted to go up and see our other friends twins at the hospital last night. I had already been up there once, handled it really well, and figured it would be nice to get out of the house and hold the babies again. I was right. It was fine, until we took the stroll down the hallway to walk the babies back to the nursery. Seeing all of those sweet, newborn babies made my heart ache so much for what we don't have. I felt so empty and sad all at once. I could *almost* see how someone would snatch a baby and run out of desperation. How awful is that? I don't know what triggered it all, other than the stupid green-eyed monster named Envy. I tried so hard to push the feelings back, but they remained in the form of a lump in my throat and I'm pretty sure it's still there.

Perhaps I am facing the reality that there is a very good chance we will not be able to do IVF again in June as I had hoped. Let's face it, out-of-pocket expenses add up and a fourth IVF is so much more in the money department than we had ever anticipated. Plus we are buying the new house and that certainly is adding up quickly. Oh, we are up to 6, yes 6, pregnant teachers on my campus. This does not count the one that just had twins. I've been sipping, well more like gulping, the water at the cooler, but I must be immune. Or maybe it's hearing my sweet almost three year old talking about the twins and how he wants to hold them and play with them. He would make such a good big brother and it breaks my heart we can't give him that chance right.this.very.minute.

*sigh* I just don't know. If anyone has the magic cure, leftover IVF meds they would like to donate, or, even better, a money tree lying around that they don't need then perhaps they could just pass it my way. I'd pay top dollar... eventually.