Friday, May 2, 2008

Envy - The Dark Side

Envy: Resentful or painful desire for another's advantages.

This would be the feeling I have felt not once, but twice today... and it makes me hate myself. It makes me feel selfish and insecure. It causes my eyes to sting and a huge lump to rise in my throat. It makes me want to lock myself in a room and throw away the key so I never have to come out.

I found out that another teacher is pregnant. For those that don't know, this makes number seven for the school year. Seven teachers that aren't me. Seven teachers that will hold their sweet bundles of joy while all I hold is a memory of what should have been, but isn't.

As if that wasn't enough to take in, I received an email inviting me (and all the other employees on our campus) to a baby shower for the teacher that is due one week before my due date. The one that is getting her nice baby bump that makes me want to run screaming in the other direction every time I see her in the hallway. The one that makes my heart ache because that should be me. I don't think I can make it through that shower and the sad thing is that I guarantee you very few would understand... not that most would even notice my absence.

I hate days like this. I hate when I look at Chase and watch him play with other kids and realize that he should have a sibling but doesn't. He loves babies and I know he would be an awesome big brother. It's just.not.fair. I hate that every month I pay out over $350 towards IVFs and others are spending that money on babies/children that they didn't have to *pay* to get (or not get as in the case of our last two IVFs). I hate that we are having to "find a way" to pay for IVF#4, when others try for two months and get a positive pregnancy test. I hate that I have no clue how we're going to pay for this again and it scares me that maybe it won't happen. I hate myself for hating these things.

I am thankful for Chase and God knows he means more than anything to me, but this envy is slowly dragging me to the dark side.

4 comments:

Stephanie said...

I understand all of your feelings and have felt or feel those feelings too. You are right that some people will never understand. I will be praying for you as you gear up for IVF $4 - for your emotions, for finances and for God's blessing of pregnancy. Lots of hugs to you!

Jen4 @ Amazing Trips said...

I am so sorry, Kahla. I have received more blessings than I ever thought possible (although today I was ready to send them all BACK) but I know that pain of which you write. It is so frustrating and heart wrenching.

God has a plan for you.

rdland said...

I do this too. It sucks that we cannot give a brother or sister to our boys. Just know you are NOT alone!! People will never understand. HUGS!!!!!

Katie Baker said...

God always provides. Remember that. There have been so many times when I have thought to myself, "How in the world will we make it through this?" or "How in the world will we ever find the money to survive this?" Somehow it always works out. I wish I had money to give you. Instead, I will just continue to pray. And I know with all of my heart that things are going to work out for you guys. It's all in God's hands...just pray, pray, pray.