Sunday, May 25, 2008

So it begins... again

I won't say that I am the perfect example of what a Christian should look like by any means. I have a long ways to go when it comes to that part of my life. I make lots of mistakes and have done many things that looking back I probably shouldn't have. I'm not the type that preaches to others about what is wrong and what is right because while I know what I believe, others may not and that is their choice. I know that it was through his help that we have the child that we prayed and asked for. Yes, the scientist and doctors are the ones that are responsible physically getting us through IVF, but I have no doubt that without our Lord, they would not be able to work such a miracle.

Since IVF#2 failing and IVF#3 ending with nothing but emptiness and heartbreak my faith has wavered. I've never been one to just let things happen. I like to be in charge, I like to plan, I like things to happen when they are supposed to... when I want them to. So, as you can probably guess, infertility did not fit into my plans at all.

When we embarked on IVF the first time I prayed hard that we would be blessed with a child that we so desperately wanted and despite the loss of a twin, we were blessed. With IVF#2, I prayed hard that we would be blessed with a sibling for our child and that prayer was not answered. I simply didn't understand why, but told myself that for some reason I couldn't understand, it wasn't time. When IVF#3 ended so painfully I felt my heart harden and faith become disrupted. I'll be honest, I didn't care that I was hating. I was mad and who better to be mad at than God. He had let me down!

Over the last 6 months I've really tried to deal with feelings and cope with this "infertility disease" that we've been dealt. I tell myself things could be so much worse and yet it doesn't make me feel any better. I've prayed for understanding and acceptance. I prayed hard for a miracle baby that would mean we didn't have to do IVF again. I prayed that we could just be normal... no shots, no ultrasounds, no egg retrievals and transfers, no total invasion of privacy. This was our last month to have that miracle and again, that prayer was not answered.

As I stood in church this morning, we began to sing a song by Chris Tomlin titled, "How Great is Our God?" As I sang the words, "Age to age he stands, And time is in His Hands, Beginning and the End..." I suddenly felt a peace, a forgiveness. I felt an understanding that it would all be ok... in his time.

So, as we begin this journey again, in my heart I'm going to rebuild my faith and trust in my father that loves me so much. I'll start my BCPs on Tuesday and with his help it's going to be OK.

How Great is Our God