Thursday, January 24, 2008

Infertility rears it's ugly head.... again

Infertility does horrible, horrible things to a person. I'm not talking about physically, I'm talking mentally. It drains you right down to your very soul. It makes you want and hate and feel guilty over things that you never thought you would. It makes you cry and then hate yourself for actually giving in to the pain and letting yourself release everything that you keep so tightly bottled up inside of you. I thought I was a strong person, I'm sure I've said that before. The last seven months have seriously made me doubt that. Last night not only made me doubt it, it made me accept that perhaps I'm not quite as strong as I thought I was.

A friend wanted to go up and see our other friends twins at the hospital last night. I had already been up there once, handled it really well, and figured it would be nice to get out of the house and hold the babies again. I was right. It was fine, until we took the stroll down the hallway to walk the babies back to the nursery. Seeing all of those sweet, newborn babies made my heart ache so much for what we don't have. I felt so empty and sad all at once. I could *almost* see how someone would snatch a baby and run out of desperation. How awful is that? I don't know what triggered it all, other than the stupid green-eyed monster named Envy. I tried so hard to push the feelings back, but they remained in the form of a lump in my throat and I'm pretty sure it's still there.

Perhaps I am facing the reality that there is a very good chance we will not be able to do IVF again in June as I had hoped. Let's face it, out-of-pocket expenses add up and a fourth IVF is so much more in the money department than we had ever anticipated. Plus we are buying the new house and that certainly is adding up quickly. Oh, we are up to 6, yes 6, pregnant teachers on my campus. This does not count the one that just had twins. I've been sipping, well more like gulping, the water at the cooler, but I must be immune. Or maybe it's hearing my sweet almost three year old talking about the twins and how he wants to hold them and play with them. He would make such a good big brother and it breaks my heart we can't give him that chance right.this.very.minute.

*sigh* I just don't know. If anyone has the magic cure, leftover IVF meds they would like to donate, or, even better, a money tree lying around that they don't need then perhaps they could just pass it my way. I'd pay top dollar... eventually.


Jen4 @ Amazing Trips said...

I'm so sorry, Kahla, I know that pain all too well.

I hope that you don't give up on your dream. Miracles happen and although you probably don't want to hear me say it ... you've still got some time before the factory shuts down. Who knows what the Good Lord has in store for you? What if you don't get pg on your own and in a year or two (or three or so) you do another round of IVF and end up with multiples? Won't it be wonderful then to have Chase a little bit older to actually HELP? (Take it from me, it would!!!)

I know the feeling to want something immediately, and I'm sure that you want Chase to have a sibling close in age that he can grow up with. But please don't lose faith. There is a great plan for you. I just know it.

Stephanie said...

I understand all the emotions you are having! This fertility roller coaster is hard. Hang in there!