A Test of Faith

The past 10 days have tested my faith a lot, but today tested it more than I possibly imagined it could. After our two failed IVFs I was very bitter towards God. How could he allow people to have children that didn't want them or would harm them and not give us the child that we so desperately wanted? A sibling for our sweet Chase? My heart grew very cold and I got the point that I really didn't care anymore. I didn't care if we went to church, I didn't care if I prayed, I didn't care if the Lord was in my life. I was completely lost. With time the pain grew less and I found my way back to God. All along he was there with me, I just didn't see it. He has a plan, right? Then we did IVF#4 and we learned we had been given that child, that sibling for Chase we so longed for. Then we learned that our hearts were again being broken and that we were losing that child. I have prayed and tried very hard to keep God in my heart this time. I've tried to remember that he is right by me, holding my hand every moment. He loves me and does not want me to hurt, but sometimes things happen that we don't understand. This is one of those times. I just don't understand.

I don't want to think about this pregnancy and loss all the time, but I do. It haunts me. It invades my sleep and the moment I escape my dreams into reality it rushes to my mind. I love our church, I know I've said that before. However, this morning I had such a hard time getting up and ready to go. As we drove down the road it dawned on me that today was Baby Dedication Day. My heart sank and I could fill the tears welling up inside of me. I thought, "maybe no one signed up, maybe it got postponed." At least I hoped that that no one had signed up or it had been postponed. No such luck. As the families came up with their sweet babies, it was all I could do to not sob. Then, right in front of us, came the test. A family with twins, tiny, precious, perfect twin girls. I failed. I absolutely panicked, the tears flowed, and I bolted. I bolted right out of the auditorium and out of the church. I didn't know where to go or what to do, I just knew I had to get out of there. I had to get away from the babies, the joy, the celebration of life.

Jeff eventually hunted me down and we made it back to hear the sermon. The sermon was titled Overcoming the Obstacles. Could it have fit anymore? I don't know what to do. Part of me is so happy that I have Chase and he is so amazing. Yet part of me feels so sad and empty. How will I ever overcome these obstacles? I just don't know if I'm strong enough to do this.

****I am grateful for
1) today is over
2) I actually got to watch some of the Olympics this evening instead of The Dis.ney Chan.nel!
3) tomorrow we go to meet with our RE and discuss this horrible journey
4) the grocery shopping is done
5) I still believe miracles happen