Wednesday, August 13, 2008

How do you stop the tears? (sad post, feel free to skip it)

This is absolutely killing me. One minute I'm fine and the next I'm just a puddle of sadness. I went to get my blood work today after taking Chase to the sitter and cried almost the entire way there. It seems like such torture to have to walk in there knowing that my pregnancy is over. I got the tears to turn off and took the walk down what felt like the Gre.en Mil.e to my REs. The lady in front of my signing in was on cloud 9 as she announced she was just there so they could check where her numbers were at today! Yeah, I was there just so they could just check mine too, just check to see if my babies were gone yet. I went back to get my blood drawn with the usual, "how are you today?" Awful. Horrible. Heartbroken. Devastated. Want to hear more? As the needle went in my arm for the countless time since June 23rd I felt the tears coming. I made my next appointment through the sobs and left. Sweet relief, a quiet elevator to myself. Nope, one floor down a glowing mom with her newborn got on. I just had to turn away, why let her see me sad and rain on her parade. As I got in the Tahoe the tears came again, it's like I have no control. I hate it. I made my way to the mall to pick up a treat for Doodlebug and ran into three different people I know. You guessed it, more tears. After the third run-in I figured it was time to get the heck out of there. On my way home it hit me, today was the day we saw Chase's heartbeat. Today is 6w5d. It was such a wonderful time w/Chase, today it is just another cause of tears. My numbers are slowly creeping down and I won't go back in until Monday. At this point we know they are not going back up, so at least I don't have to go in as much. Besides, I go back to work on Tuesday so every other day is impossible now anyway. I'm still waiting to m/c but have lots of cramps, that must mean it's on it's way. I just want it to be all over, I want to forget, I want to stop crying.

***I am grateful for
1) I have three more days with Chase before I have to go back to work
2) the holidays are almost here, October - December is my favorite time of year
3) I got the checkbook balanced, too bad there's not more money! ;o)
4) Our anniversary is coming up, 9 whole years
5) we got the decorating done for the entrance of the school and it looks pretty darn good


Stephanie said...

I wish that I could take all your pain away. I know that anytime I get near my Re's office I start to feel a little anxious. Many times I have left the Dr. wearing giant sunglasses to hide the tears.

I know this sucks and the pain is just overloading - but you are strong and God is with you now and always. Rely on him and he will lift you up in this darkness.
Lots of hugs!

crayonmommy said...

Kahla, I am thinking about you so much right now. It's so hard to understand all of this, and why it has to happen. I pray God gives you peace, understanding and some sort of comfort. Love you.

Anonymous said...

Oh Kahla--you have been through such a painful loss! Of course nobody around here wants to skip any of your posts--we care about you and you sure don't have to put on a false front or feel like you have to stuff things inside.

I imagine that RE visits are going to be very poignant and that when those blood monitoring appointments are behind you healing will have a better chance of really starting for you. I'll be happy for you when you get to that point as I don't want you to have to go through many more visits like this last one.

And time will be your friend--it's the nature of mourning. In the here and now, though, I hope that the love and prayers and concern of friends and family will bolster you.

Grieve and cry as you need to and know that you are loved so very much. Not just by us, but by the One who is LOVE.