I am so sad today

I know I said I wouldn't talk about it, but my heart is so heavy. Maybe the rain from Tro.pical Storm Edo.uard is making it so gloomy that it's making my heart even heavier, I don't know. I keep thinking, I WANT this baby. I WANT Chase to be a big brother. I DON'T want to have to do IVF again, although I would in a heartbeat. I WANT THIS baby! I have tried so hard not to think about it, not to dwell on it, to accept that what will be will be. But God, it is so damn hard. I have prayed so much that my head feels like it could burst. I can't sleep because it invades my dreams. It takes all my strength to not just crawl under the covers and cry until I'm out of tears. I keep thinking, this isn't fair. It hurts too much, I can't handle it.

I know that miracles happen and everything can be OK. I want that so much... for everything to be OK. But then I pray that if we are meant to lose this baby, please Lord just take her quickly. I don't want it to draw out if it's not meant to be. Does that sound awful? I wish we were just normal people. I wish we could just have sex, get pregnant, and produce a baby. People who can do that really take it for granted. Hell if I could do that I'm sure I would take it for granted too. Why does this have to be so hard? I was so excited when I learned we were pregnant. I was so excited for us, for our family, but mostly for Chase. I want him to be a big brother so much. He wants it too. He tells me he wants a baby sister. This seems to be the one thing that I haven't been able to give him, maybe that's another reason it hurts so much. God, this is so damn hard.

***I am grateful for
1) we are definitely getting some much needed rain
2) it's not as hot today as it has been
3) I still have two weeks of summer vacation left, which means two weeks w/Chase
4) gas prices are down
5) in 7 hours Jeff will be home