Tuesday, August 5, 2008

I am so sad today

I know I said I wouldn't talk about it, but my heart is so heavy. Maybe the rain from Tro.pical Storm Edo.uard is making it so gloomy that it's making my heart even heavier, I don't know. I keep thinking, I WANT this baby. I WANT Chase to be a big brother. I DON'T want to have to do IVF again, although I would in a heartbeat. I WANT THIS baby! I have tried so hard not to think about it, not to dwell on it, to accept that what will be will be. But God, it is so damn hard. I have prayed so much that my head feels like it could burst. I can't sleep because it invades my dreams. It takes all my strength to not just crawl under the covers and cry until I'm out of tears. I keep thinking, this isn't fair. It hurts too much, I can't handle it.

I know that miracles happen and everything can be OK. I want that so much... for everything to be OK. But then I pray that if we are meant to lose this baby, please Lord just take her quickly. I don't want it to draw out if it's not meant to be. Does that sound awful? I wish we were just normal people. I wish we could just have sex, get pregnant, and produce a baby. People who can do that really take it for granted. Hell if I could do that I'm sure I would take it for granted too. Why does this have to be so hard? I was so excited when I learned we were pregnant. I was so excited for us, for our family, but mostly for Chase. I want him to be a big brother so much. He wants it too. He tells me he wants a baby sister. This seems to be the one thing that I haven't been able to give him, maybe that's another reason it hurts so much. God, this is so damn hard.

***I am grateful for
1) we are definitely getting some much needed rain
2) it's not as hot today as it has been
3) I still have two weeks of summer vacation left, which means two weeks w/Chase
4) gas prices are down
5) in 7 hours Jeff will be home


Lathan, Lauren & Logan said...

This IS unfair and it SUCKS.

I've been in your shoes and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

I know there isn't anything anyone can say (besides the doc calling and giving you good news!) so I'll just tell you that I'm praying for you and constantly thinking about you.


Mommy Daisy said...

I'm praying that things turn around. This is a tough time for you. I can't completely understand it, but I do feel for you. I will keep praying and thinking of you.

Tracie said...

I understand. I am so sorry. Please know that I am praying for you. I hate that you are hurting so much. Please hold Chase extra tight and know how many people are thinking about you.

Stephanie said...

I don't understand why you or anybody has go go thru all this. I am praying for you and hoping that your prayers are answered.

Anonymous said...

i have been following your progress since i saw yur post on baby steps. You are in our prayers. I went thru the same, my beta rose about 20 or more only the second time, I thought that was it for me, the RE on duty even advised i stop the meds but my RE disagreed, later on in the week we had an ultrasound and lo and behold there was a heartbeat, it was a vanishing twin. Keep the faith, don't give up. we will keep praying

Diana said...

I'm really sorry, Kahla. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, particularly you. I know there's nothing I can do to make it better, so I'll just continue to keep you company. I sincerely hope you get answers tomorrow, and that they are reasons to celebrate.


Anonymous said...

I really want this to be "it" for you Kahla... I admire your strength during the hardest of situations. I'm praying like crazy for you too...

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you and praying for you.