That unconditional, #1, completely smittin, head-over-heels kinda love.

There is nothing in the world that can possibly compare to the love you feel (or will feel) for your own child. Before Chase was born I often wondered what this "unconditional love" I had heard about really was. Don't get me wrong, I had love in my life. I loved Jeff and my mother and would give my life for them in an instant. Sure, that is unconditional love, right? Yes and no. I was always told that regardless of how much of a love it was for spouses and parents, the love you will feel for your child was different. It was a love so strong it could make you laugh and weep at the same time. It could make your heart leap and break in one single beat. It was so strong that it could make you stand taller than you ever had or bring you to your knees in a blinding flash. I pondered this. How could any love be stronger than what I already felt in my life.

When we did IVF#1 I knew I wanted a baby. When we found out it worked we were thrilled and I loved that baby, but I distinctly remember wondering when that love-of-all-loves feeling would kick in. The day my BETA dropped and we found out that 1) we were losing the baby or 2) we were losing a twin I realized just how much I wanted and loved our baby. We were blessed and despite losing a twin, Chase was OK. During the months of my pregnancy Jeff and I would talk and I would tell him that when the baby came, I would no longer be #1 in his life. He would laugh it off, tell me I would always be #1, and eventually the subject would change. As my baby and belly grew, I became closer to our unborn child and my love became stronger and deeper. However, I still wondered when that unconditional love would hit. Would it feel different? Would I know it? I thought about it a lot.

When Chase was born I was head-over-heels, 100%, completely smitten, totally in love with him. I thought, "this is the moment, I could never love him more than I do right now." However almost four years later, my love for him continues to grow every single day. It may sound impossible or stupid, but it's true. Every smile, every laugh, every stubborn moment, silly story, hug, or kiss makes my love grow. An unconditional, I would do anything for him, he's my #1, kind of love. And I know that his Daddy is the same.

Tonight I went to a visitation for a co-worker of mines 23 year old daughter. This was her only child, her bestfriend. Her daughter's death was sudden and completely unexpected. Only 9 short months ago this same woman also lost her husband very unexpectedly. My heart is shattered for my friend. I can only imagine the grief, the anguish, and the pain she is feeling right now. I lost my babies, but I cannot say that I know how she feels. I can't imagine raising a child for 23 years, loving it, nurturing it, and then having that child taken from me. I can't imagine it happening after any number of years, months, days, hours. My mother once told me that if you can make it through the loss of a child, you can make it through anything. God I pray I never have to experience that.

As I hugged J, I simply told her that I didn't even know what to say. What do you say to someone that has just lost their child? She told me that it was OK, just to make sure I hug Chase every chance I get because they are only here on loan from God and we never know how long we will have them. It was such a beautiful and sad thing. I couldn't help but cry with her. I cried because my heart aches for her as a woman, as a parent, as a friend. Yet in her time of sorrow, she was a light that reminded me just how much I have and how much I love. May our prayers we with her.




**I am grateful for
1) the love I have in my life
2) little wonders
3) heartaches (sometimes they make you realize what you have and just the things you don't)
4) we still have 6 days of break left
5) it actually feels like winter