I actually think that little green fella is pretty smart.

As I made the fateful call to my RE's office this afternoon to notify them of old Aunt Flo's arrival (early I might add, this stupid miscarriage has me all whacked out) so that we could get dates down and schedule my first shot of the season - IVF #5 - it dawned on me that I really had no excitement. Is that normal? Perhaps I need to go back and read about the other IVFs. Maybe I was just too fearful. What if it doesn't work? What if it does work and we lose the baby? Is the time right? Should we do this now? Should we wait another month? ACK!!!! I couldn't help but think of how I really do feel the fears of the what-ifs has a hold over me. I need to shake it. I need to push all of that away and let this cycle be it's own.

Of course thinking of fear made me think of Star Wars. Both Jeff and Chase are Star Wars junkies. The movies, the Clone Wars cartoons, they could watch them all day, every day. Fortunately for them, I don't really mind Star Wars and actually kind of think that Yoda is pretty smart and even cute in his own little way. I started remembering things he had said and thinking to myself, "this is some good stuff!" Seriously, let's take a look:

1) “[Luke:] I can’t believe it. [Yoda:] That is why you fail.” - If I don't believe this cycle will work, it will fail. I must believe, have faith, have hope. It WILL work, I BELIEVE this.

2) “Named must your fear be before banish it you can.” - I know my fears and I will name them and banish them.

3) "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. - I have lived this. My fear led me to a dark, dark place. It led me to anger. It led me to hate. It led me to great suffering.

4) “Do or do not... there is no try.” - We will do this. I will do this with 100% of everything within me.

Yep, he's one smart little green fella!




**I am grateful for
1) we have a plan
2) I know I need to believe and leave the fear behind
3) a fresh cycle
4) tomorrow is TGIF
5) Duchess is coming to spend the night tomorrow!