Walk On...

It appears that although there aren't lots of comments made on here, that we do have quite the following for our blog, and if I don't update for a few days I gets lots of how are yous and is everything OK? While I would like to thank everyone for thinking of us, I assure you all that we are fine. Just busy and always seeming to run out of time to get everything done.

I have been having such a hard time with this IVF cycle that I'm determined to get my head and heart passed it and learn to be happy again. Happy to have Chase, happy to have Jeff, and happy to know that this wasn't the end of the road. I've decided I'm going to pick myself up off the ground and walk on (for those Reba fans out there). I think I've kinda said that before, but tomorrow is going to be a brand new day and I think it's the perfect day to start getting on with what's important. Besides, in less than three weeks it's back to work, so I need to enjoy what's left of the summer with my little guy!

I need to upload pictures too, I got an awesome picture of Chase and Jeff, maybe I'll just put that on my to do list!

The Greatest Show On Earth

As I sat looking over my blog I realized that the last few posts have been some serious downers and that I really needed a major pick-me-up... and, as we all know there is no better pick-me-up than my Little Doodlebug. This past Saturday we had the chance to attend Chase's first ever circus. It just so happened that this past May I read an email at just the right time and managed to grab us 6 2nd row floor seats for the Greatest Show on Earth! By grab I mean spend a small fortune on 6 2nd row floor seats and by fortune I mean right at $400... but it was Chase's first circus after all and that only comes once in a lifetime so I figured the splurge was worth it.

Mads, Uncle Will, and Duchess joined us and we had a spectacular time. I will say that the circus has changed quite a bit from what I remember (which isn't much) and is no longer lots of animals but tons of action and stunts. We saw the white tigers, Smashcar (the clown version of Nascar), clowns galore, elephants, tricks on horses, out of this world acrobats, trained cats and dogs, and our most breath-taking the motorcycles in the sphere. There was so much your mind was just spinning, the list could go on and on. The motorcycles were the last act and absolutely amazing. Chase never had a nap and I still don't think he ever took his eyes off of the show. It was so neat to be right up by the action and even though I know he won't remember it, we always will. I really do think it was the Greatest Show on Earth! Watching my Doodlebug in awe of the magic *almost* made me feel like a kid again, it was worth every cent.

The Rainbow Connection

There is a song that was written by Paul Williams that Kermit the Frog sings in the opening of The Muppet Movie. It's a song about rainbows and believing that they have a special something about them. I've always loved this song since the first time I heard it. The tune, the words, it just makes me feel happy, gives me hope.

I'm still having a hard time with this whole negative thing, much harder than I thought I would be at this point. The days aren't bad because I have Chase and he keeps me way too busy to sit and feel sorry for myself and the dream that was not meant to be. I don't know how I could survive this ordeal without him (and his Daddy of course, let's not forget him). But the nights are so hard... when it's quiet and both of my guys are lost in slumber. My mind won't break away from what makes my heart ache and I hate it. I find myself dreading the evenings when I know what's coming. I have got to get past this, but I don't know how.

So since that time is coming and things will be quiet all too soon I decided to listen to this wonderful song that has let me feel that hope I so desperately need. That hope for which some unknown reason it brings to me, to my heart. I know it's not quite the same as hearing it, but here are the lyrics just in case someone else needs some hope too.


THE RAINBOW CONNECTION

Why are there so many songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
And rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Who said that every wish would be heard and answered
when wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that
and someone believed it,
and look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing?
And what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
the lovers, the dreamers and me.

All of us under its spell,
we know that it's probably magic....

Have you been half asleep
and have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors?
The voice might be one and the same.
I've heard it too many times to ignore it.
It's something that I'm supposed to be.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
the lovers, the dreamers and me.
La, la la, La, la la la, La Laa, la la, La, La la laaaaaaa

Just when we think the sun is gone forever, it peeks out from behind the clouds and you know it's going to be ok...

Yesterday's news still sucks, but 24 hours does make it sting a little less... sort of... well, not really. I always think of myself as the strong one, the one that gets knocked down and then stands right back up. Yet I think I've cried buckets of tears and Jeff has been my rock. Of course Chase helps too, he tells me he wuvs me and shares lots of hugs and kisses with me. What would I do without my two guys?Fortunately I'll never have to know!

That being said, let's talk about this cycle. We had never really let is cross our minds that it may not work, so that made this whole negative stuff that much harder. I guess I was naive in assuming that because it ran so identical to Chase's, we'd have the same outcome. Boy did I learn a lesson the hard way there! We went in to talk to Dr. G this afternoon and he assured us that we had done nothing wrong and that sometimes things just don't work like we thought they would. He said that things had gone just like they should and that we'll never know why it didn't work. He did say that the embryos looked good, but there is no way to do genetic testing and it could have been genetic. That with Chase, he was a perfect embryo (we knew that *wink*) and he took and that maybe these just weren't. Nature likes perfect after all. That having it work the first time and not the second does make it hard, but that we would NOT give up and we WOULD have another baby. He assured me I wasn't too old and that my eggs were not bad... thank God. And most importantly, he reminded me that things would be ok.

Jeff and I have always been willing to do a fresh IVF cycle again, but at $11,000+ a pop, it's not something we can actually afford time and time again. We are almost done paying off Chase and will be paying on this IVF for the next four years. Can I say how much it sucks to make payments on an IVF that didn't work? Ugh. That being said, Dr. G is my hero and has always come through for us. Without us even asking, he went on to say that he would be waiving his fee for us to do our next fresh cycle. To give you an idea, that is about $7,000! We will only be responsible for paying the hospital (about $3,000) and our meds (about $1,500). The only condition is we take a couple of months off so that 1) my body can recover 2) we can recover mentally. He related this to experiencing a death and said we'll go through the seven stages (I think I've hit three already) and that we would know when we were ready again. We need to take time, relax, have some margaritas and then we'll go again.

I won't continue to go on and on, the point it this negative sucks, but we're going to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and get back on that pony. I'm excited that we'll be cycling again and I'm excited that it won't be right away. I guess that sometimes when you think the sun is gone forever, it peaks out from behind the clouds and you know it's going to be ok.

My heart is broken...

Our BETA was negative.

How to make the perfect pizza, Chase style...

Chase is very much into "helping." This means helping with everything from doing the dishes, to giving me my shots each evening, to the best thing of all... making pizza. He LOVES pizza, but then again, what 28 month old doesn't? We usually have pizza once a week (I know, bad) and this is really the first time that Doodlebug got to help. Here is his recipe:

First, make sure that the cheese is ok for human consumption. This means sliding your hand across the pizza and gathering as much cheese/sauce as possible to shove into your mouth at one time. Repeat as necessary.


Next, you must taste each pepperoni before placing it onto the pizza to ensure that is was made with only the best ingredients. You can also do the following: one pepperoni for Chase, one pepperoni for the pizza, one pepperoni for Chase, one pepperoni for the pizza, etc. After ensuring that all pepperonies have been tested accordingly, proceed to do the same with black olives and mushrooms.


Last give a cute grin so that eyes are distracted from the sauce still on your chin, put pizza in oven, bake, and enjoy!

Just Wishin’’ and hopin’’ and thinkin’’ and prayin"...

Not really much to update on. I went in Monday for bloodwork, we boostered my HCG and I started my Estrace (Estrogen) and patches. Then I went in again today for more bloodwork and we are going to booster my HCG again. Last time we only boostered it once, but apparently procedure has changed. It was explained to me that your lining (where baby implants for simpler terms) starts to deteriorate after you ovulate so the HCG makes your body think you are pregnant giving the embryos more time to implant or helping to substain an early pregnancy. I'll go back Friday for more bloodwork. Our official BETA (pg test) is on the 19th, so freaking far away! And of course I can't even pee on a stick and it be accurate because I KNOW I have HCG in my system which would make it be positive. Ugh.

My birthday is Friday and I will be 31. I keep trying to think, but I'm really not sure how this happened. When I look at myself I still see a 25 year old staring back at me. I'm just not sure where all the time has gone. I am now closer to 40 than 20, which just.... well it's so not cool. I told my mom earlier today that really they say 30 is the new 20, so actually I'm turning 21. ;o) I don't think she bought it. At least if nothing else my birthday is on Friday the 13th this year, that is always cool!

Why Good Dental Hygiene is SO Important

Chase decided that he would like to do a public service announcement about why good dental hygiene is so important. Please make sure to brush your teeth after every meal or they may end up looking like this:



Or they may just start falling out and you will look like this:



Now just to show that Chase really does take good care of his teeth (by eating sweet treats on the 4th), here is one last picture! Kinda just makes you want a big kiss from him!

Bedrest Stinks (and that's putting it nicely)

Have I ever mentioned that infertility sucks, plain and simple? This bed rest stuff is for the birds. Kudos to those women who do this for weeks and months, ya'll are saints! Yes, I know that when we get our positive it will all be worth it, but until then it stinks. I've had so many people tell me that they would just love to lay in bed for 72 hours and that I should enjoy it. I have news for all those people, strict bed rest means you don't get to sit up on the couch or in the recliner. You don't get to do dishes (I know, who'd want to anyway), take a shower, and even putting the dogs out is a real challenge since well... you're not allowed to do that either. You don't get to walk out in the yard, go check the mail, or run to the store down the street. And if you're really lucky, you'll have your husband hovering over you like a helicopter giving you the evil eye if you sit up for more than 10 second to readjust your position. Of course he only means well, but it does make me want to strangle him. It's not like a vacation. It's laying on your side, flat for 72 hours only getting up to go to bathroom. I had no idea I could look forward to that two minutes of heaven so much! Oh, I get to stand up for my shots too, some girls have all the fun!

Now, if bed rest alone isn't bad enough on it's own let's factor in the fact that I haven't seen my little Doodlebug since about 6 on Wednesday evening. This in itself is going to break me. He has been a trooper and has had a grand ol' time with Duchess and Madison. They've gone toy shopping, to the zoo, to the Children's Museum, and to Chuck E. Cheese. My prediction of my mother being worn out was right though and I can tell that she has enjoyed it, but will be happy to be able to sleep in her own bed without two two-year olds *cuddling* with her! Last night Chase finally decided that he misses us and asked to call Daddy. After talking to Daddy he talked to me and then he began to cry. In return I cried. We had decided during this mornings phone call that despite the fact my bed rest does not officially end until tomorrow that my Doodlebug will be returning this evening because neither him or myself can take it any longer. It's time for my precious to come home! *Edited to say that plans changed again and Doodlebug will be returning on Sunday as planned, I'm so sad.*

Now that I've gotten this all out of my system I will say that overall I'm doing well. Just tired and sore of laying around. I would practically kill (or at least maim) for a shower right now and can't wait to wash my hair in the morning. I'm crampy now and then but I was the same way with Chase, so that's not a bad sign at all. I am making frequent bathroom trips, but that again is only because my ovaries are still enlarged and pushing on my bladder that is already not the same since having Chase... is that too much information for ya'll?

I really wish that we would get the good news on my birthday next Friday, but that will be a tad early and I don't see it happening. I do go in for blood work on Monday and then every other day after. As four our needle poke count, I think I'm up to 43, but I'd have to sit down and count for an exact number!

Hope everyone is having a great weekend and thanks for letting me rant!

We're home with the kids

We picked up three beautiful embryos this morning and we're now all safe and sound, resting at home. It's so funny to me because Dr. G comes in to tell me that I have some, "great looking embryos." Most people would think someone telling them that is totally nuts, but I was thrilled. We transferred two 8-cell and one 6-cell. Dr. G said that had we waited just a few hours (to the time of our retrieval) the 6-cell would have likely been at 8 as well. With Chase we transferred three 8-cell, so I am happy. We didn't really discuss the fourth, they will continue to watch her and see if she makes it to freezing. Dr. G did ask if we wanted to transfer just the two, although he recommend three, and we agreed that we wanted to transfer three. His only rule was that he would not transfer the fourth, we agreed with that too! Now I just have to make it on bed rest until Sunday, I'm already tired of it so it will be a real challenge!

My mom picked up Chase yesterday evening and he was more than happy to go home with her. He gave me a kiss, told me he loved me, and never looked back. I called earlier to say hi and he was much too busy playing to be bothered with talking on the phone. At least I know he's having a good time!

Our Babies

My fertilization report is in and once again this cycle is following Chase's to a *T*. Out of the seven eggs, four have fertilized. That means we have four babies baking! Most likely we will transfer three and if the fourth makes it to the freezing point, we will put her on ice for a possible transfer several years down the road. At first I'll admit that I was disappointed with only four making it, but when I went back and read my journal from Chase's IVF I was so upbeat about having four and quickly realized that I needed to get my head out of the place where the sun doesn't shine and be appreciative for what I do have. So many people never make it this far or only have one and we have four! Four sweet babies growing right now. I have no doubt this cycle is going to work and if I had 4 or 5 frozen, I would be faced with a tough decision that I wouldn't want to make. So this is really good (and I'm working really hard to believe that).

Now, I KNOW that we are going to get pg from this IVF and in my heart I know that it is going to be a girl. I always knew I would have a boy and a girl, maybe because I have an older brother, who knows. So, I'm just going to assume that our Tater Tots are girls and that is how I will be referring to them. That being said, we will be picking the girls up from summer camp at 8:00 am on Thursday. From that point on I will be on strict bedrest until Sunday morning. My mom is thrilled to say the least because she will have our Doodlebug during this entire time. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it and already dread dropping him off tomorrow. He however is thrilled and has continued to tell me, "I go see Duchess, I go to Duchess house" about 50 times today. Did I mention she will have MadDogs, my niece, with her too?!?! Heck, by Sunday she'll be begging us to take him back! ;o)

Egg Retrieval Done

We woke up to horrible weather (well I say, woke up, but I'm not sure I ever went to sleep) and decided to leave a little early to ensure making it to the hospital on time. Fortunately Duchess (my mom) flew home last night and was here to stay with Chase so he was able to sleep in and even better, got to play and play all day long!

Since our first round of IVF three years ago the hospital has built a new maternity ward and converted the old maternity ward into a wing strictly for our RE and his procedures. It was pretty nice and knowing that an entire ward and nurses are dedicated to you really rocks. I got changed and settled in while we waited for things to get going. Bad news is I hadn't been allowed to drink since the night before and quickly became dehydrated. That on top of small veins made it nearly impossible to get an IV in. And since an IV was a necessity for anesthesia it quickly became a problem. After three attempts by the nurse (thank God needles don't bother me) the anesthesiologist was called in. 4 more attempts for a total of 7 and the IV was finally in. My arms and wrists look like I've had the crap beat out of me. But it got in and that's what matters.

The retrieval itself went very well and presented no problems. As they retrieve the eggs they put them in vials, something new I learned today. The unofficial count when I woke up was 7 with one vial left, so that means there could be more. 7 is a good number. We didn't want too many because this will likely be our last attempt since I know it will be successful and then we are faced with what to do with the frozens. There are few options, so it can be a tough decision. They will call me tomorrow with the fertilization report. Right now we are praying that 1) the eggs were mature, 2) they fertlize, and 3) they grow/divide well. I'll post an update as soon as I know!

I'm off to rest, I'm quite sore and have had a negative reaction to either the anesthsia or the vicadin (or both). It has me feeling pretty icky (as Jeff's aunt would say). Thanks again for the prayers and notes of support, ya'll rock!