Hanging by a Thread

Yes, I'm still here. Tuesday meant back to work for me and back to the sitter for Chase. Neither of us were overly thrilled. After being off for the summer our schedules are completely out of whack and the mornings seem to be coming awfully early. I'm hoping that we'll be back on track soon.

I had been so excited about going back to school and telling everyone Chase was going to be a big brother. Obviously that was not the case after all, which made going back pretty darn difficult. We always start off with the usual introduction and big announcements so I braced myself for the inevitable. I know that one of our new teachers is pg and due just days away from my due date, but she did not say anything. Not sure if it's because she's new or if it's because she's still early, but no doubt the big announcement will hit soon enough. I was shocked that the only pg announcement was actually a grandmother-to-be announcement, but greatly relieved. I did find out that a couple of teachers are trying, so surely there will be more announcements before the year is out. What can you do, eh? I had tried very hard to prepare myself for the congratulations and then the I'm so sorries, but boy can people catch you off guard. I won't go into all the details, but I was very proud of myself... I only cried three times. Not bad. Today I even managed to tell our old nurse about the babies w/o crying. It was hard, but I muddled through!

I know that this is going to be something I feel forever, but I am really trying to move on. I feel the need to be happy, not just for me, but for Jeff and Chase. They deserve a happy wife and a happy mother. In my heart I know that our journey is not over. I will be a Mommy again. I have prayed for this and I believe the Lord will bless us with another baby, therefore I know that it will be.

***I am grateful for
1) the four free iT.unes downloads Jeff sent me... woohoo baby!
2) Tomorrow is our 9 year anniversary, wow, 9 years!
3) The sore throat I had yesterday seems to be gone!
4) Chase ran up to greet me and give me a huge hug when I got home today, man I love that boy
5) We got some more rain today, boy did our yard need it!

The babies are gone...

Thursday evening I miscarried our sweet babies. It was painful emotionally, painful physically, and painful mentally. We were 6 weeks and 6 days. They were so very tiny, not even completely formed yet... but is was very obvious what they were as they passed about 45 minutes apart. I guess even up until the end you think maybe, just maybe this is a bad dream and isn't really happening. Now there is no denial, they are gone. To my body it is now just like a regular period with cramping, so maybe it is moving on. In a way I am relieved this part is over because knowing it was coming and waiting for it to happen was awful. It also means that my number will bottom out and I can quit going for blood work. But then it makes me feel so empty and numb. I should be going for ultrasounds and OB appointments, but that won't be happening. My babies are gone.

**I am grateful for
1) Chase cuddling while we watch cartoons in the morning, even if it's only for a few minutes
2) moving forward
3) the worst of the m/c is over (I hope)
4) tomorrow we have church, I think I need it
5) the weekend is here

Bring the Rain (MercyMe)

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

***I am grateful for
1) the weekend is almost here
2) even though I dread the start of the school year, it does mean I have a job and that is something to be grateful for
3) everything is a learning experience
4) we have lots of prayers coming our way
5) hope, I still have it, I know I do

How do you stop the tears? (sad post, feel free to skip it)

This is absolutely killing me. One minute I'm fine and the next I'm just a puddle of sadness. I went to get my blood work today after taking Chase to the sitter and cried almost the entire way there. It seems like such torture to have to walk in there knowing that my pregnancy is over. I got the tears to turn off and took the walk down what felt like the Gre.en Mil.e to my REs. The lady in front of my signing in was on cloud 9 as she announced she was just there so they could check where her numbers were at today! Yeah, I was there just so they could just check mine too, just check to see if my babies were gone yet. I went back to get my blood drawn with the usual, "how are you today?" Awful. Horrible. Heartbroken. Devastated. Want to hear more? As the needle went in my arm for the countless time since June 23rd I felt the tears coming. I made my next appointment through the sobs and left. Sweet relief, a quiet elevator to myself. Nope, one floor down a glowing mom with her newborn got on. I just had to turn away, why let her see me sad and rain on her parade. As I got in the Tahoe the tears came again, it's like I have no control. I hate it. I made my way to the mall to pick up a treat for Doodlebug and ran into three different people I know. You guessed it, more tears. After the third run-in I figured it was time to get the heck out of there. On my way home it hit me, today was the day we saw Chase's heartbeat. Today is 6w5d. It was such a wonderful time w/Chase, today it is just another cause of tears. My numbers are slowly creeping down and I won't go back in until Monday. At this point we know they are not going back up, so at least I don't have to go in as much. Besides, I go back to work on Tuesday so every other day is impossible now anyway. I'm still waiting to m/c but have lots of cramps, that must mean it's on it's way. I just want it to be all over, I want to forget, I want to stop crying.

***I am grateful for
1) I have three more days with Chase before I have to go back to work
2) the holidays are almost here, October - December is my favorite time of year
3) I got the checkbook balanced, too bad there's not more money! ;o)
4) Our anniversary is coming up, 9 whole years
5) we got the decorating done for the entrance of the school and it looks pretty darn good

The Joys of Boys

While visiting with MeMaw and PawPaw Chase tooted. Since we are working on manners I asked him, "Chase what do we say when we do that?" He walks over to PawPaw, sticks out his finger and politely says, "PawPaw, pull my finger!"

Not exactly what I was thinking!

***I am grateful for
1) Chase can always make me smile
2) being a Mom to my Doodlebug rocks
3) we got some much needed rain today
4) the little things that Chase reminds me to enjoy
5) Tylenol PM, I think I'll take some tonight

"...The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” Job 1:21

Our number has continued to drop, it is over. Our RE is as sad as we are. I have to continue blood work every other day until my number goes back to zero and we will wait to m/c naturally at this point. Losing one baby was devastating, losing twins is almost unbearable. I now have three sweet angels in heaven, at least I know they are together. We have no answers as to why, everything had gone so well. We will try again, but I'm not sure when. We are required to take at least a one month break before starting again. The school year is beginning, we have a wedding out of state in October, and then the holidays will be here. I refuse to spend our holidays planning around IVF, so it really looks like it won't be until after the first of the year at this point. I guess we'll focus on enjoying the time between now and the next cycle and using it to get healthier and relaxed again. I am going to miss these babies, our one week with no worries was pure heaven. I wish I could have bottled it up to keep forever.

***I am grateful for
1) we are supposed to get rain tomorrow and with rain comes rainbows
2) no more ups and downs, at least we know now
3) we have each other still
4) this weekend we are planning on taking the boat out
5) God never gives us more than we can handle

A Test of Faith

The past 10 days have tested my faith a lot, but today tested it more than I possibly imagined it could. After our two failed IVFs I was very bitter towards God. How could he allow people to have children that didn't want them or would harm them and not give us the child that we so desperately wanted? A sibling for our sweet Chase? My heart grew very cold and I got the point that I really didn't care anymore. I didn't care if we went to church, I didn't care if I prayed, I didn't care if the Lord was in my life. I was completely lost. With time the pain grew less and I found my way back to God. All along he was there with me, I just didn't see it. He has a plan, right? Then we did IVF#4 and we learned we had been given that child, that sibling for Chase we so longed for. Then we learned that our hearts were again being broken and that we were losing that child. I have prayed and tried very hard to keep God in my heart this time. I've tried to remember that he is right by me, holding my hand every moment. He loves me and does not want me to hurt, but sometimes things happen that we don't understand. This is one of those times. I just don't understand.

I don't want to think about this pregnancy and loss all the time, but I do. It haunts me. It invades my sleep and the moment I escape my dreams into reality it rushes to my mind. I love our church, I know I've said that before. However, this morning I had such a hard time getting up and ready to go. As we drove down the road it dawned on me that today was Baby Dedication Day. My heart sank and I could fill the tears welling up inside of me. I thought, "maybe no one signed up, maybe it got postponed." At least I hoped that that no one had signed up or it had been postponed. No such luck. As the families came up with their sweet babies, it was all I could do to not sob. Then, right in front of us, came the test. A family with twins, tiny, precious, perfect twin girls. I failed. I absolutely panicked, the tears flowed, and I bolted. I bolted right out of the auditorium and out of the church. I didn't know where to go or what to do, I just knew I had to get out of there. I had to get away from the babies, the joy, the celebration of life.

Jeff eventually hunted me down and we made it back to hear the sermon. The sermon was titled Overcoming the Obstacles. Could it have fit anymore? I don't know what to do. Part of me is so happy that I have Chase and he is so amazing. Yet part of me feels so sad and empty. How will I ever overcome these obstacles? I just don't know if I'm strong enough to do this.

****I am grateful for
1) today is over
2) I actually got to watch some of the Olympics this evening instead of The Dis.ney Chan.nel!
3) tomorrow we go to meet with our RE and discuss this horrible journey
4) the grocery shopping is done
5) I still believe miracles happen