Sunday, October 26, 2008

Some days I just don't know what to do....

Yesterday was a good day... no, yesterday was a GREAT day. Most days everything reminds me of the babies. I feel surrounded by pregnant women and babies are everywhere. Yesterday I thought of the babies but it wasn't constant. Yesterday I noticed the pregnant women, but I didn't feel surrounded and unable to breath when I saw them. Yesterday all I saw was my beautiful son and I didn't wonder if he'd ever get the chance to be the great big brother I know he would be with every baby I saw. But that was yesterday and today is today. Today I have thought about the babies constantly even though I have tried to push those thoughts way down deep. I would be 17 weeks and 2 days. Why do I keep track of that? Today I saw the pregnant women that seem to outnumber the stars and make me want to run and scream. Today I saw all the babies and wondered if my most precious gift would ever be a big brother... and my heart ached.

I love church. I love going, I love singing to God, I love listening to the sermons. They always seem to be directed towards me and say just what I need to hear. I just don't get why some days are so much harder than others. It's been two and a half months since losing the babies, you'd think I'd be passed the tears. Yet they still sneak up on me when I least expect it. As we sat in church the memories of that sweet Sunday when we told Jeff's aunt and uncle that Chase would be a big brother flooded my thoughts. It was so wonderful, they were so excited for us. We were sitting in the very same seats as we had been that day. The day I sang to God and thanked him for his blessings. Then the memory of that terrible phone call snuck in and turned my thoughts into something horrible. The phone call that told me something was terribly, terribly wrong. The phone call that caused my happiness to come crashing down. Then the tears came, there was no stopping them. As I strained to keep the tears and sobs from coming the words of a song I've never heard before filled my ears. A song that sung to my heart. A song that was telling me it's OK, everything will be OK. I couldn't find it on, but I did find it here. The lyrics are at the end of this post or on the link if you click it. It is an awesome song.

I'll admit it, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say, I don't know where to go, and I don't know what to think. I feel so very lost. Surely God has a plan and even though I certainly don't understand it, I just have to trust it. Surely that is it.

**I am grateful for
1) the tears come less, but boy do they come hard
2) despite tough days, they do have happy moments
3) there is one heck of a cold front coming
4) the tahoe is doing much better
5) daylight savings time is next week and boy do I love an extra hour of sleep

When I Don't Know What To Do

Tommy Walker WeMobile Music ©2005 CCLI #4556332

Lord I surrender all to Your strong and faithful hand

In everything I will give thanks to You

I'll just trust Your perfect plan


When I don't know what to do

I'll lift my hands

When I don't know what to say

I'll speak Your praise

When I don't know where to go

I'll run to Your throne

When I don't know what to think

I'll stand on Your truth

When I don't know what to do

Lord I surrender all

Though I'll never understand

All the mysteries around me

I'll just trust your perfect plan


As I bow my knee

Send Your perfect peace

Send Your perfect peace Lord

As I lift my hands

Let Your healing come

Let Your healing come to me


AmandaHoyt said...

I am so sorry for the pain you are in. I completely know how you feel. I don't have any words of wisdom for you at this very moment but I wish I could reach out and give you a hug. Know that I am praying for you.