Monday, September 1, 2008

That should've been me.

Today we went to Chick.Fil.a for lunch w/Duchess before she headed to The Naval Academy in Maryland for work. When we walked in there was a lady with a newborn baby. I had the overwhelming urge to grab the baby and run... but I resisted. When we sat down we noticed that the baby was in fact one of five children. Two boys that were about 4 and 5, the baby girl who was VERY new, and then a set of almost 23 month old twin boys. All I could think was that should have been me in two years, I should have twins too. I hate this. I really, really hate this.

***I am grateful for
1) my grandparents are w/o power due to the hurricane, but are OK
2) it will be a 4 day work week
3) we got some rain and more is expected
4) clean sheets on the beds
5) the downstairs is still pretty clean, even after three straight days of Tornado Chase


Stephanie said...

Aww- I know it is hard...sending hugs to you....

Anonymous said...

Hi Sweet Kahla~
I am so sad for the hurt your heart is enduring and I continue to remember you in prayer and pray for your healing.

I will share with you something a friend shared with me when I was still somewhere in those 6 years of struggling and waiting for Micah. She lost her first child very late in pregnancy, had a son and then miscarried again before having a daughter. She shared with me that she really believed we end up with the children we are meant to have. She still thought of the two she lost and, as you would well know, those losses were SO painful. But she looked at the two she had and loved so much and knew she'd never have met them had she had the other two.

When she told me, it was very comforting to me. And every time I read your blog I scroll down to your timeline and read the January "to be continued" and smile at the way you can already look forward a little with hope. Oh, Kahla, how I pray that your January IVF will result in a beloved little pumpkin (or two) and that your favorite season will ever after even hold all the more joy. Looking ahead does not AND CANNOT take the place of grieving you need to do. It's possible that what I wrote won't even be helpful for a long time.

But I'm sharing it now because a friend shared a similar story (not about loss of babies in this case, but also very painful loss) to encourage me as I grieve my aunt who went home to the Lord Friday after a very cruel battle with cancer. I am sad on so many levels--she was very young and thinking of her 12 year old daughter can utterly do me in. After sharing her own story, my friend said "I know this might be of no comfort to you right now". But it was. And in case it can comfort you now or later, I wanted to post to you the other friend's story.

Again, though, you are hurting and understandably so. Grieve. And know that so many are loving you and sad with you and praying for healing for you and your sweet knight in shining armour and dear little Chase.

Take care,