13 weeks

I would have been 13 weeks today. I used to love Fridays. Now I almost hate them because they are like milestones that I'm not making. I wish I didn't think of these things, that I could stop. The "other" teacher was talking to me this afternoon and my friend asked her again when she was due. I blurted out, "She's due right before me." As soon as I said it I froze. Why did I say that? I quickly corrected myself , "She's due right before I was." After that I had to leave, I could feel the tears coming. It was an awful day, an awful week. That just fit right in.

I was told today that I have 2009 to look forward to because I'm doing IVF again. I don't look forward to it. I don't look forward to the pills, the shots, the patches, the hormones, the mood swings, the blood draws, the ultrasounds, the appointments, the money, the total invasion of life, the iv, the retrieval, the waiting, the hoping, the worry, the transfer, the waiting, the worry, the waiting, the bedrest, the restrictions, the waiting, the list goes on and on. I hate it. I hate every.single.minute of it! Of course I will do it, but God I don't want to. If it works, it's so worth it. If it doesn't work it's like having your heart broken a million times over. If it works and then you lose the baby or babies, it's like having your life sucked right out of you. I so don't look forward to it.

I am constantly grasping for the answer of why our babies were taken. The only explanation I can come up with is that Granny loved babies and the Lord felt she needed my babies to be there for her. I can't think of one other explanation. Perhaps that should give me comfort. She is holding her great-great grandchildren and they are holding her.

***I am grateful for
1) it's the weekend
2) a soft bed and a Tylenol PM (or 2), 11 hour days since returning after Ike are about to do me in
3) beautiful weather today
4) October starts my favorite time of year
5) tomorrow I'm spending the day w/Chase and perhaps we'll be lucky enough to meet up w/Duchess