It's over...

Our BETA fell, it's over. Our baby just wasn't able to hang on. I don't understand why. This was our third fresh cycle, we've transferred a total of 10 beautiful embryos, and now lost two. Thank God I have Chase. We are going in for a consult on the 10th, but right now I just want to enjoy the holidays w/Chase and not be so sad anymore. He is so excited about the Christmas lights and everything else, how can I not be? We will try again, but being selfpay this is a killer for us. And it will have to be a fourth fresh, we have no frozen.

I've already heard the, "have ya'll thought about adopting, what about donor sperm, I would carry the baby for you, have you thought of being tested to see why this is happening?" from several people and it just makes me want to puke. People have no idea. None of those are things in store for us and to be honest I don't want to hear those things. No, we are not going to adopt. I am thankful for adoption, I have a niece through adoption, but it's not for us. Yes, we have male factor, but if our RE isn't worried since the eggs fertilize, neither are we. I don't need anyone to carry the baby for me, hell I had to evict Chase because he was going to grow old in me. And no, we haven't been tested and will talk to our RE at our consult. Anyway, I just don't want to hear those things from people who have no clue. Oh, one more thing I DON'T want to here: "It'll happen when the time is right." I know this. I know it will happen, but that doesn't make me feel any better right now.

I really hope I didn't offend anyone with the above, but I'd rather put it out there than hear those things.

We will try again, maybe in April. I just don't know right now. Thanks for the prayers, apparently it just wasn't time for them to be answered.

Yes, I know you are wondering where we stand w/IVF

I didn't want to post sad or upsetting news, so I hadn't posted. But I've been asked several times (ok, more than several) so here it goes. I had so hoped to hear good news this past Wednesday and even though what I heard isn't the worst ever, it certainly wasn't good. I was told that I needed to booster my HCG, the first since the Wednesday after our transfer when we boostered. I have been told no BETA numbers but I know they run this every time and had been told no boosters were a good thing, so this scared me. I asked if my numbers went down and they said no, but they have kind of plateaued. That means w/o them saying it that I'm pg, but it also means either we are losing one baby or losing the baby. We had vanishing twin w/Chase and went through this, so I'm praying we are not going to lose the baby... that we are only losing one. Isn't that one of the hardest prayers you can imagine? To have only lost one baby? It kills me. Of course they were closed on Friday so I don't get bloodwork again until Monday. At that time it will have either gone up (good) or down (bad). If you pray, we so need them right now. I have no idea what Monday will bring. I believe in my heart this cycle would make Chase a big brother and I saw my rainbow for those that know what I'm talking about. But right now, I just feel sick.

2 1/2 year old antics

2 1/2 is a wonderful age..... mischievous, but wonderful! Every day is a new crisis, I mean adventure. The other night we were on our way home from a running errands when I heard what sounded like a sprinkler hitting the side of the Tahoe. I thought nothing of it until I heard it again and then realized that since were going 70 down the freeway, there was no way it was a sprinkler. I quickly turned the overhead light on, whipped around in my seat, and spied a very sly grin on Chase's face. Turns out he had invented a new game called, "Splash the Ceiling w/Lemonade." Here is how you play for anyone that might be interested:

1) Acquire a cup full of lemonade (make sure there is lots of sugar in the lemonade in order to leave residue on ceiling after it dries and heats up in the Texas sun)
2) Find syringe that grandmother gave you to play with in the bathtub and eventually found it's way into carseat.
3) Fill oversized cheeks with lemonade and let a small amount dribble down your front just for the heck of it.
4) Take above mentioned syringe, insert in to mouth, and withdraw lemonade into said syringe.
5) Swallow the remainder of lemonade in oversized cheeks.
6) Point filled syringe towards ceiling of vehicle and push plunger as hard as you can to cause a waterfall effect and spray entire area about giggling little body.
7) Enjoy the look of terror on Mother's face as she realized what you have done and can't help but think, "Oh God, we are in soooo much trouble."

Nothing much to blog about.

We are now 4dp3dt (meaning four days post a three day transfer). I'm on my patches and pills, still getting my lovely progesterone shots every night, and bloodwork every other day. Of course I know nothing and have all kinds of "feelings" but when you are on the amount of meds I am you are going to have those things. I so wish we would find something out sooner rather than later. I'm feeling very positive, I just need it confirmed. I did a trigger HCG last night so HPTs are out of the question since it would come out positive no matter what. Just more waiting. At least the bedrest is done and Chase is back home, that part blew big time.

I did get our Nemo pictures back and they are crappy. Jeff found out that it is actually "Disney" that requests no cameras, I would so boycott them if my child wasn't totally in love with their characters. Oh well. I got a couple of good ones and will post those later. Of course they are just of Chase since you can't see anything but blurs on the stage, but I figure he's so darn cute you'll enjoy them anyway.

Hope all is well with all of you! It's almost Friday!

Babies on Board (ET Update)

Yesterday's transfer went very well. All four made it and looked really good. At Dr. Gill's advice we transferred all four. We were going to ask if we could, so we were happy he brought it up first! We ended up with 1-8 cell and 3-6 cells. We are very optimistic and our BETA will be somewhere around the 25th.

And then there were four....

After not being able to stand it any longer I called our RE's office at 3:00 to see if our fertilization report was in. It was. Four out of the nine fertilized, not what I was hoping and praying for. Before anyone leaves me a comment saying four is fantastic, all it takes it one, etc, etc I know all of that. I know that it only takes one. I know that four is better than none. I know that it will all be OK and this cycle will be a success. What disappoints me is that judging by our past two cycles that also both had four fertilized, we will have none to freeze.... and that is what I was hoping and praying for. I just thought that with nine eggs, we had a chance. I thought that with nine eggs just maybe we'd be able to freeze some and down the road if we wanted another child (which I can pretty guarantee will happen) I wouldn't have to go through another stupid round of shots and the dreaded egg retrieval. But apparently four is our number and for the third cycle in a row, this is the number it shall be. So, I'll suck it up, get over my disappointment, and move on to positive thinking that what does it matter if we only have four... it will still give us our baby!

Our transfer will be at 8:00 on Sunday morning and then the bedrest begins. I'll start going in for "every other day" bloodwork on Wednesday and we should know shortly after Thanksgiving. The lovely shots begin again tomorrow, so wish my hips some luck (good thing they are so meaty). Our due date would be August 1st, which is neat because August 4th is Jeff's birthday. That would be one hell of a birthday present!

P.S. Doodlebug is doing so much better, he is back to his wonderful, happy self! We are going to Finding Nemo on Ice in the morning, so look for pics to come!

The official number..... 9!!!!

The retrieval went smooth, actually much better than last time. Last time it took seven tries to get the IV in, this time it took one (I LOVE that nurse)! When I came out from the anesthesia I was told the count was at 8, but then Dr. Wong came out and said we had 9. 9 wonderful, beautiful eggs (according to me)! That is more than we have ever gotten, so we are very happy. Now we just need prayers that they will all be mature, good quality, fertilize well, and grow! I would be ecstatic if they all make it because we could transfer three and freeze six for future transfers. Oh I hope that happens. Actually, having any to freeze would make me extremely happy! We'll get a call tomorrow afternoon to let us know how they are doing and expect to transfer on Sunday morning. I feel really, really good about this cycle and Jeff has no doubt it will be nothing but good news. I'm taking it as a sign! I did get sick from the anesthesia and am still a little woozy, but that's normal and I'll be fine. As Jeff said, you have to go through the bad stuff to get the good stuff!

Thank you for the prayers!

Oh, please send prayers for Doodlebug too. Jeff had to take him in to the Dr. this afternoon and he has a terrible sinus infection..... stupid allergies. He also has a very red throat from the draining and has been put on a strong antibiotic, Mucinex, and Claritin. He spiked a fever of 103.4 early this evening, which is always so scary to me. Fortunately it seems to be breaking thanks to Motrin. I always hate when my sweetie is sick, but even worse we have Finding Nemo on Ice tickets for Saturday and we have been talking about it for weeks so he is very excited. Please pray that he is feeling better very soon and can go and enjoy the show! Thanks!

Tomorrow is the big day (well, big day #1)

I took my trigger shot last night at 11:00 and we are to be at the hospital at 9:30 on Thursday morning for a 10:30 retrieval. We'll find out Friday afternoon how many fertilized and how well they are doing. Please, please, please send prayers that all goes well. We are praying for good eggs, strong sperm, and an excellent fertilization report. The retrieval is my least favorite part (if you can have a *least* favorite) of IVF and I will be very glad once we are past this hurdle. I'm terrified I will ovulate on my own and I hate being under anesthesia where I have no clue what's going on. Also, Jeff is doing his thing during this time so he's not w/me and I hate that the most. Deep breaths, deep breaths.

Just a quick update on IVF #3

Time simply goes too fast. I feel like we've barely had a minute to rest this last week, much less sit down at the computer and actually make a blog entry worth reading. Perhaps I'll have some free time after the first of the year!

IVF #3 is going well. I'm stimming away rather well and it looks like we'll trigger tomorrow night and have our egg retrieval on Thursday (I love how I say we, when I really mean I will). I know that I have made more eggs this time, but have no clue how many. I feel like I could pop at any given moment. A Thursday retrieval means that our transfer will be on Sunday. We've never had a weekend transfer, so that is something new this time around.

Good news is a Sunday transfer means that we will still be able to attend Nemo on Ice this Saturday! I was really worried I'd miss it and am thrilled that things are working out this way. Bad news is it means I'll be on bed rest Sun - Wed. Other than the fact I hate bed rest, it means that I'll miss three days of work and that is tough. Guess it could be worse.

Oh to end the post I'll say that rifle season (deer) opened this past weekend and of course Jeff had to go hunting. He got a very nice doe last night and when Chase saw it he yells, "Dat's a BIG deer.... but it's broken!" Yes, you could say that. Then he gladly climbed up on the step stool to take a picture w/Daddy while looking at the deer w/total excitement in his eyes. He is soooo going to be his Daddy's clone and I love it!