No celebration today

Our BETA is back down to 190. We are stopping all meds and will go in on Monday afternoon for a blood draw and to talk directly to our RE. He still thinks it could be vanishing twin or it could be a pregnancy that is over but being sustained by the meds. My hopes are not high, I'm a reality person. I don't think I can handle the roller coaster anymore. I just want this part to end. We'll try again as soon as he gives us the all clear. I just never thought we'd be in this position and it breaks my heart.

**I am grateful for
1) tomorrow is a new day
2) time will ease the pain
3) this kind of pain is rare
4) I will go on to smile again
5) I have Chase

In less than 6 hours...

I will have the BETA results from today. They need to be at least 610 for a 60% increase and to double they need to be 762. Dear God, please let them be between these numbers (or higher)! I prayed for an hour straight in the middle of the night last night, I just couldn't sleep. I thought Wednesday was hard, but I have a feeling today may beat it. Please be a fighter baby, please.

**I am grateful for
1) It's Friday
2) Jeff will be home early
3) the good news I feel we will receive this afternoon
4) positive thinking
5) tomorrow we get to spend the day w/Duchess!

My 200th Post and a Celebration!

The last 49.45 hours have been so terrifying to me. I have been scared to death to say the least. I was actually worried about how I would make it through the day today (kudos again to Stacy for sticking w/me!!) knowing that this could be the day I find out I am losing our precious baby. After an extended wait (darn getting those results late) I found out that our number has gone from 186 on Monday to 381 today!!! They wanted a 60% increase and it slightly more than doubled!!! Our RE has cautioned that we are not out of the woods, but that it was a very nice jump! Praise the LORD!!! We will take it one day at a time and pray a lot that this little baby is a fighter like her big brother Chase was (yes, I think it's a girl). Thank you all so very much for your kind words, encouraging stories, and prayers. I am so very thankful for each and every one of you. I am still very scared, but so hopeful that all will be OK.



**I am grateful for:
1) all of you
2) rising numbers
3) Stacy
4) miracles
5) answered prayers

I am so sad today

I know I said I wouldn't talk about it, but my heart is so heavy. Maybe the rain from Tro.pical Storm Edo.uard is making it so gloomy that it's making my heart even heavier, I don't know. I keep thinking, I WANT this baby. I WANT Chase to be a big brother. I DON'T want to have to do IVF again, although I would in a heartbeat. I WANT THIS baby! I have tried so hard not to think about it, not to dwell on it, to accept that what will be will be. But God, it is so damn hard. I have prayed so much that my head feels like it could burst. I can't sleep because it invades my dreams. It takes all my strength to not just crawl under the covers and cry until I'm out of tears. I keep thinking, this isn't fair. It hurts too much, I can't handle it.

I know that miracles happen and everything can be OK. I want that so much... for everything to be OK. But then I pray that if we are meant to lose this baby, please Lord just take her quickly. I don't want it to draw out if it's not meant to be. Does that sound awful? I wish we were just normal people. I wish we could just have sex, get pregnant, and produce a baby. People who can do that really take it for granted. Hell if I could do that I'm sure I would take it for granted too. Why does this have to be so hard? I was so excited when I learned we were pregnant. I was so excited for us, for our family, but mostly for Chase. I want him to be a big brother so much. He wants it too. He tells me he wants a baby sister. This seems to be the one thing that I haven't been able to give him, maybe that's another reason it hurts so much. God, this is so damn hard.

***I am grateful for
1) we are definitely getting some much needed rain
2) it's not as hot today as it has been
3) I still have two weeks of summer vacation left, which means two weeks w/Chase
4) gas prices are down
5) in 7 hours Jeff will be home

I've landed smack dab in the middle of BETA hell

Today's blood work results told us nothing, not one.single.thing. My number went up from 166 to 186. Yes that's a rise, but it should be doubling every 48-72 hours. So going up just over 10% in 72 hours is not a good sign. My RE is not quite ready to throw the towel in yet, so I'll continue with my shots and go back on Wednesday for more blood work. Another 48 hours of pure hell. When Chase's number dropped, it shot back up w/in 48 hours so I'll be the first to admit that I am terrified. Chase does not like me being upset, so I am not going to cry anymore of this. Once he told his great-aunt on Saturday that his Mommy was crying and he didn't like it I knew I couldn't do it anymore. I've prayed, prayed, and prayed for this baby to be OK. Hell, I've even begged and tried to negotiate up to a point. I believed that we would have a healthy baby from this IVF. So, in order to keep from going completely insane over the next 48 hours and dragging my entire family with me I'm just going to not think about it. I'm not going to goo.gle, I'm not going to email, and I'm not going to blog about it. I refuse to search for success stories (which normally give me 10 sad stories to every happy anyway). I'll continue to pray and have faith that the Lord will continue to guide us. Our RE is awesome and his office manager has already told me that if we lose this baby, they will waive all the fees except for $1750 and will even help us find the meds we'll need so that we can try again. That is so nice of them, but I want THIS baby. I guess we'll just have to wait and see if this baby is a fighter like her big brother, please let her be.

***I am grateful for
1) the hurricane is going south of us, so it's not a direct hit
2) at least Jeff's birthday wasn't totally crappy
3) our number didn't bottom out
4) the glimmer of hope we still have
5) Chase, Jeff and my mom, what would I do w/o them??

9 days must mean we have this licked

I'm going to brag and say it, Chase is officially day-time potty trained. To be quite honest, he's just about night-time potty trained too, but we'll continue to wear pull-ups to bed for a while. I am so proud of him. It has been a full 9 days since he has worn a pull-up and in those 9 days there has not been one single accident... not one my friends! As it is, he wakes up maybe once every couple of weeks with a wet pull-up. So very impressive. I am so proud of him, what a big boy he has become!! Now if we could just convince him that he needs to wear something over his big boy underwear since he feels he should be able to see them and show them to the world!

..................

On the pregnancy front, I've had lots of prayers coming our way and I appreciate them all. I am so scared about tomorrow. It is Jeff's birthday, I pray it will be a good one. I am on progesterone, so I wouldn't bleed no matter what. Also, because my number had been has high as it was it doesn't do any good to take a pregnancy test because they would be positive (yes, I took the last one anyway thinking maybe the color of the line would tell me something, it didn't). I pray that we have only lost one child and that we still have a healthy baby in there, fighting to be with us, just like her big brother Chase did. I'll update when I know, the next 24 hours are going to be very, very long I'm afraid.

***I am grateful for
1) Chase is such a big boy!
2) miracles happen
3) tomorrow if Jeff's birthday, God I pray it's a good one
4) Chase's hugs and kisses
5) prayers

This can't be happening!

Our BETA dropped to 166 today. I can't believe this. We have been here before with Chase. It means one of two things.

1) We are losing the pregnancy
2) We are losing a twin

Now I say the most difficult prayer, please Dear Lord, please let us only be losing a twin. I just don't understand.

**I am grateful for:
1) prayers, please please send them
2) my miracle, please don't take it away
3) Chase, when he sees my tears, he makes me smile
4) hope
5) believe that this will be ok