Thursday, September 1, 2011

Who is that girl in the mirror?

I hate getting older. When I look in the mirror, all I can think is, "who is that girl?" There are a lot more gray hairs peeking out of the brown, my eyes have bags under them, I have wrinkles showing up in places that used to be smooth. My skin no longer has that flawless complexion, instead it now has age spots scattered throughout and we won't even go into the weight thing. Oh to weigh what I did when we got married. I feel like the last few years have aged me so much. Maybe it was all the IVFs, the stress. I don't know.

Unfortunately it's not just me that is getting older. I never really had to deal with death growing up. My twin sister passed away when we were only 6 weeks old and then the only other death near me was my mother's biological dad when I was about 8 or 9. We were not close and I don't think I really "got" it. Now that I'm getting older, those I love are getting older too. Great grandparents have all passed on (my last great-grandmother passed just after we lost the twins), grandparents are aging, parents are aging. I'm watching strong bodies become weak and frail. Steady hands become shaky. Memories fade away. And I hate it.

My grandfather, the one that Emery stays with during the day and is one of her favorite playmates, is back in the hospital. Again. Originally it was a pacemaker alert that his heartbeat was irregular. They shocked it back into a normal sinus rhythm, fortunately he was asleep when they did it, and he was still doing well this evening. However, the partner to his doctor came in and said that his lab results are showing signs of kidney failure and they are concerned. A specialist will be coming in because they want to avoid "full-blown kidney failure." She was very serious when she said it. I asked if that is what the blood work was pointing to and she made a sly headshake, as if trying to keep it from him. It makes a lump in my throat.

I know that I am blessed and fortunate because I have been given many, many years with grandparents/great grandparents. We have a five generation picture with Chase, myself, my mom, my aunt (my grandfather is the one that had passed away) and my great-grandmother/Chase's great-great grandmother. That's a rare fate. I was 32. What 32 year old still has great grandparents alive? I'm blessed. My children have three great grandparents alive and get to spend a great deal of time with them. I'm thankful. But I still hate it.

I guess my heart is heavy tonight. I want to slow time time. I want to stop the aging. I want to take care of the ones I love and make sure they are safe and healthy. Who is that girl in the mirror and where did she come from? I can't be me, I'm not that old.

****I am thankful for
1) every single day
2) grandparents
3) great grandparents
4) good medical care
5) time, the good and the bad parts

2 comments:

Stacy E. said...

Kahla,

I'm so sorry to hear that the test results did not come back as well as expected. Everything sounded to be heading in the right direction when I talked to you yesterday. I'll be praying for Pa and your family. PLEASE let me know if you need anything. ((hugs))

<3, Stacy

Joy@WhenDoesDaddyComeHome said...

I hate this funk, when we realize our mortality and our mind goes to "those places". *HUGS*