3 weeks to the day, 2 people we loved

Yesterday morning my great-aunt passed away. I am sad. I was not technically named after her, but my name is Kahla Ann and hers was Ann Kahla so she liked to claim I was. She was a wonderful lady, beautiful inside and out. She was 87 and had been married to my Uncle Joe for 70 1/2 years, literally a lifetime. The last report we had gotten, she was doing better. I can't help but picture that her husband, children, and grandchildren are going through what we did just three weeks ago. Waiting and thinking, "Oh good, things are getting better." And then suddenly they are not better, they are a zillion times worse and can't be fixed.

Once again my heart is aching for my Nana. When she called yesterday morning it was early, we were all still asleep. I knew something was wrong before the words were out of her mouth. She is devastated. Nana was the youngest of three and the only girl. She was 6 when her brother married Ann. She was literally like a sister to Nana. She watched her grow up and they became very close friends. As Nana cried over the phone and said, "I just lost my husband, now I've lost my only sister," I cried silent tears for her, for my other family members, for the pain that is running rampant in our family right now that can't be stopped.

I am leery that things are not going to be better any time soon. Jeff's grandfather, Greatpa, is in the hospital and not doing well at all. He has been losing weight, not eating, and wanting to sleep a lot. He got what they thought was thrush in his mouth, but even with treatment it continued to get worse. To the point he 100% would not eat and his mouth was bleeding and oozing. They took him to the ER and they were told it was throat cancer. Fortunately it's not. Instead they believe he is having a reaction to something, possibly his arthritis medicine. He was admitted to the hospital immediately, put on morphine and re-hydrated. They've done some blood work, but we have very little information right now and apparently the doctors are not answering questions or even really talking to family like they should. We do know his platelet count is an 8, which is much too low, and that he is at an extremely high risk for infection which could be fatal. Because of this, visitors have been very limited and we have not been up there. There is no way he could see the kids, which I hate, but 100% agree with and understand. If anyone knows how germy kids are, it's me! Jeff and I are going to go up later today and can see him if we where masks, gloves. I'm going to take a picture of the kids up to him. I'm so worried. Jeff does not think his grandfather will make it out of the hospital, I have that same fear. I pray we are both wrong.

****I am grateful for
1) any prayers sent our way
2) family that is always there for you
3) pictures, because I can take him that
4) my husband, having him by my side always makes things a little more bearable
5) the love between my children

Wordless Wednesday: A Few of My Favorite Things!

****I am grateful for
1) our wonderful Duchess
2) technology
3) family time
4) little giggles
5) learning new things

Friday Night Leftovers

~ I am so glad this week is over. I feel like I'm living for weekends right now. If only they didn't go so fast!

~ Last Saturday my Great Aunt Ann (my grandmother's SIL) had a heart attack. She is 87. Fortunately she is doing better than they expected.

~ Jeff's Aunt Carol was put in the hospital today with 100% and 90% blockage in her carotid arteries. This is his mom's oldest sister and we are very close to them. Prayers please and thank you.

~ Chase had a rough week at school, which is not like him. I think it's just his way of dealing with everything going on. Nothing bad, just talking a lot and not focusing. Hoping it was a just a one week thing. He is really a good boy and I'm very thankful. Not sure I could handle this every week.

~ Emery started a tumbling class this past Thursday. Once a week for 45 minutes. We have been to birthday parties at this gym and she loved it. However, she was not so happy with the class. We are going to have to work on following directions and not doing what we want, when we want. Hard lesson! I think in time she'll really enjoy going.

~ Our schedule is just insanely busy. Not sure how we're going to work all this in, but I guess we'll figure it out somehow.

~ Our temperatures have actually been slightly cooler. It was above 100 a couple of days, but I'll take a couple of days over a month any time! We are actually supposed to get some highs in the low 90s, I'm so excited. October, November, and December are my favorite time of year and I look forward to the cooler weather! (Well, I actually love June, July, and part of August an awful lot too, but it's soooo hot during those times!) We may even get some rain which is SUPER exciting!

I guess that pretty much sums up what's going on. Hope everyone else is having an awesome weekend!

****I am grateful for
1) the possibility of rain
2) cooler temperatures
3) the weekends
4) Duchess is home from her business trip, safe and sound
5) all my papers from the week are graded and in the computer, no work on the weekend!

Princess Emery is 23 months old!

Bittersweet... man I love this little girl!

She talks in whole sentences now.

Tonight she learned how to open the baby gate at the bottom of the stairs.

She is a bit of a drama queen at times (and I secretly love it).

She lights up the room just by being in it.

She has the cutest little laugh and it's totally contagious.

She is very busy and pretty much goes nonstop.
She loves to pose and is very girly (I secretly love that too).

Not a day goes by that she doesn't cease to amaze me. She's more than we ever could have imagined, more than we ever could have dreamed she'd be. Words could never say just how thankful I am to be her mommy!

****I am grateful for
1) 23 wonderful, awesome months
2) beautiful blue skies
3) rainbows
4) the wind
5) a chance to be her Mommy

One Week

It's been one week since we lost Paw. It's been a long week with lots of tears and smiles and memories. On Labor Day we had a service and all five of his children, 10 of his 11 living grandchildren, and 8 of his 11 great-grandchildren were there to honor him. It was an amazing service for a man that will be so missed. On Tuesday we had a private family farewell at sea. He was a retired merchant marine and had spent most of his life at sea, so it seemed very fitting. Tears are still coming at random times and my thoughts are turning to him a lot. I guess that's normal. The kids are doing well, my grandmother is holding strong, and things are slowly returning to the new normal, whatever that is. Chase has amazed me with his maturity throughout this. He is wise beyond his years. I know that Paw is watching over us in heaven and have no doubt that he'll be Emery's guardian angel through the years. He loved her so much, they had a very special bond. It breaks my heart that she is so little and will forget him (now of course we won't let that happen). The above picture is really the only good picture we have of the two of them. I should have taken more. I'm so gonna miss him.

****I am grateful for
1) all the family that was here
2) years of memories
3) guardian angels
4) pictures
5) knowing that things will be OK

Today my Princess lost one of her favorite playmates and I....

lost one of the greatest men I've ever known. I feel like my heart is broken into a million pieces.
I did not expect this. I knew he'd be fine. I was not prepared. I am not prepared. What do I tell my children? What do I tell the princess? Princess' deserve to have their Paw and now mine doesn't. I'm terrified for my grandmother, she is devastated. I'm heartbroken for my mom. I can hear the nurses words so clear and when the doctor came in I just wanted to scream. It feels like a very bad dream that I can't wake up from. 12 years ago he gave me away at our wedding. I wish I had 12 more years with him. It just doesn't seem fair.

***I am grateful for
1) he is not suffering
2) all the family
3) every single moment we had together
4) that my children got to know him
5) that he got to know my children

Who is that girl in the mirror?

I hate getting older. When I look in the mirror, all I can think is, "who is that girl?" There are a lot more gray hairs peeking out of the brown, my eyes have bags under them, I have wrinkles showing up in places that used to be smooth. My skin no longer has that flawless complexion, instead it now has age spots scattered throughout and we won't even go into the weight thing. Oh to weigh what I did when we got married. I feel like the last few years have aged me so much. Maybe it was all the IVFs, the stress. I don't know.

Unfortunately it's not just me that is getting older. I never really had to deal with death growing up. My twin sister passed away when we were only 6 weeks old and then the only other death near me was my mother's biological dad when I was about 8 or 9. We were not close and I don't think I really "got" it. Now that I'm getting older, those I love are getting older too. Great grandparents have all passed on (my last great-grandmother passed just after we lost the twins), grandparents are aging, parents are aging. I'm watching strong bodies become weak and frail. Steady hands become shaky. Memories fade away. And I hate it.

My grandfather, the one that Emery stays with during the day and is one of her favorite playmates, is back in the hospital. Again. Originally it was a pacemaker alert that his heartbeat was irregular. They shocked it back into a normal sinus rhythm, fortunately he was asleep when they did it, and he was still doing well this evening. However, the partner to his doctor came in and said that his lab results are showing signs of kidney failure and they are concerned. A specialist will be coming in because they want to avoid "full-blown kidney failure." She was very serious when she said it. I asked if that is what the blood work was pointing to and she made a sly headshake, as if trying to keep it from him. It makes a lump in my throat.

I know that I am blessed and fortunate because I have been given many, many years with grandparents/great grandparents. We have a five generation picture with Chase, myself, my mom, my aunt (my grandfather is the one that had passed away) and my great-grandmother/Chase's great-great grandmother. That's a rare fate. I was 32. What 32 year old still has great grandparents alive? I'm blessed. My children have three great grandparents alive and get to spend a great deal of time with them. I'm thankful. But I still hate it.

I guess my heart is heavy tonight. I want to slow time time. I want to stop the aging. I want to take care of the ones I love and make sure they are safe and healthy. Who is that girl in the mirror and where did she come from? I can't be me, I'm not that old.

****I am thankful for
1) every single day
2) grandparents
3) great grandparents
4) good medical care
5) time, the good and the bad parts