6 years since we said Goodbye

6 years ago we said goodbye to our precious twins that we so desperately loved and wanted. 6 years ago our hearts were shattered into a million pieces.  6 years ago we faced the hardest day of our lives.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of them and wonder what they would look like and be like.  They are gone, but never forgotten. 

***I am grateful for
1) the paths we've walked down and the ones we will walk down in the future
2) a wonderful summer, tomorrow it's back to work
3) Sonic drinks, it's the little things

5 years, a lifetime ago and yesterday.

Today makes 5 years since we said goodbye to our precious twins.  At times it feels like a lifetime ago, but my heart still aches like it were yesterday.

****I am grateful for
1) my rainbow baby
2) my oldest baby
3) love
4) those things that make us stronger
5) saying goodbye and knowing that one day we'll again say hello

They should be turning 4 today on Earth...

not in heaven.  Not a day goes by that I (we) don't think of our sweet twins (or Chase's twin).  What would they look like, what would their personalities be like, what things would they love?  But our story was written long ago and so was theirs.  We were meant to be here and they were meant to be angels.  I know without their loss, we wouldn't have Emery and that's a thought I can't bare, but I sure would've loved to have had them all.

****I am grateful for
1) my angels, here and on Earth
2) stories that were written long ago
3) cuddles
4) the rain
5) we are under 50 days until summer vacation = time w/my sweet ones

4 Years

Has it really been four years since we said goodbye to our sweet twins that were gone too soon? Sometimes it seems like just yesterday and then other times it feels like a 100 years ago. Not a day goes by that I don't think of what they would look like, what their personalities would be like, or what milestones they would be reaching now. I don't think that my heart will ever be the same. I know that things happen for a reason. I know that without their loss, I would not have my sweet Emery and I can't imagine my life without her. But even after 4 years, it still hurts so very bad. One day we shall all be together again my loves.


****I am grateful for
1) my beautiful healthy children
2) my last few days of summer vacation with the kids
3) joy after sorrow
4) clean bedrooms
5) fans

3 Years

3 years ago we, I, miscarried our twins and our hearts were shattered. Looking back it is bittersweet. We long to hold them, wonder who they would look like, and what their personalities would be like, yet we know if we had not lost them then Emery would not be here. I can't even imagine life without her. Not a day goes by that I do not think of them. They are forever in our hearts.

****I am grateful for
1) time heals pain, or at least eases it a little I suppose
2) holding those moments in your heart that change your life forever
3) Chase
4) Emery
5) determination

Our Angels

Our sweet twins should have been turning two today, instead they are in heaven watching over us. I bet Molly is sitting right beside them and their other brother (I know Chase's twin was a boy, just as I know the twins were a boy and a girl, I have no doubt). One day I'm gonna hold those four in my arms, it's going to be an awesome day! ***I am grateful for 1) Even if I never got to hold three of our sweet babies in my arms, I get to hold them in my heart forever, and I will meet them one day 2) Chase, he is truly a miracle from God 3) Emery, she is our secodn miracle from God 4) every single day, you just never know 5) Under 40 days of school left, I can do this.... right?

Our Angels

Today would have been the twins' first birthday had they arrived on their due date. I miss them every single minute of every single day. I think about them, wonder about them. Who would they have looked like, what would their personalities be? But I know had they arrived we would not have our sweet Emery. It's bittersweet. I'd give anything to have not lost the twins, but I could never imagine life without our sweet baby girl. It breaks my heart into two to know I could never have had both.

We miss you sweet babies and will never, ever forget you. You will always be a part of me and always in my heart.

~ Mommy

****I am grateful for
1) knowing that my babies are safe in heaven
2) guardian angels, I believe they exist and Chase and Emery have theirs watching over them
3) fond memories
4) strength
5) Emery and Chase, they make heartbreak easier to handle

It's been a whole year....

since I wrote this post. Friday was one year since I miscarried our twins. So much happens in a year. Not a day goes by that I don't think of them, what it would be like with them here, who would they look like, or what day would have been their birthday. Would they have been a boy and a girl like we thought? So many questions that will never be answered. Yet if they were here, we wouldn't have our sweet Emery on the way. It's amazing the changes that a year can bring. We learned to laugh and smile again and we learned that even though it hurt like nothing we had ever felt, that God had great things planned for us and it would be O.K. It's a bittersweet moment, we miss you babies and our love for you will never end.

~Mommy

***I am grateful for
1) a year can change so much
2) learning to smile again
3) learning to laugh again
4) never-ending love
5) Chase and Emery (and Jeff, who I never could survive without)

Our Angels

Today our babies should have been in our arms, not in heaven.

~Kahla

**I am grateful for
1) Even if I never got to hold our twins in my arms, I get to hold them in my heart forever
2) Chase, he is truly a miracle from God
3) Pumpkin, Please Lord let us hold this baby not just in our heart, but in our arms too
4) the weekend
5) 42 days of school left, I can do this.... right?

The Twin's Beach

Carly lives in Australia and is a member of the same club I am. It's a club that has way too many members and a club that no one wants to be a part of.... The Mommy to an Angel Club. Carly's son, Christian, was taken too soon and in his memory she created the site, To Write Their Names In The Sand. To honor all of the baby angels Carly gives them their own beach by writing their names in the sand and capturing that moment forever. It is an awesome site.

Since we never got to name the twins, Carly wrote two hearts in the sand in their honor. She captured it for us and then wrote Chase's name below the two hearts so they could watch over him. She also captured that moment for us. When I saw the pictures it took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes. In so many ways it feels like my babies were never here. There's nothing that shows they were with us, nothing to show the brief moments we shared with them. It's almost as if they were just a wonderful, perfect dream. These pictures are such a special thing for us. Carly, you are awesome and a blessing to us and so many others. Thank you so much. You can view the Twin's beach below or you can click here for Carly's site.





**I am grateful for
1) noisy boys
2) awesome family
3) Carly and our Twin's beautiful beach
4) Fall colors
5) lower gas prices!

I would have been...

20 weeks today. I don't even know what to say, I wish I could just forget the weeks... I wish I could stop counting. I don't want April 3rd to ever come, I just want to skip right over it.

Some days I just don't know what to do....

Yesterday was a good day... no, yesterday was a GREAT day. Most days everything reminds me of the babies. I feel surrounded by pregnant women and babies are everywhere. Yesterday I thought of the babies but it wasn't constant. Yesterday I noticed the pregnant women, but I didn't feel surrounded and unable to breath when I saw them. Yesterday all I saw was my beautiful son and I didn't wonder if he'd ever get the chance to be the great big brother I know he would be with every baby I saw. But that was yesterday and today is today. Today I have thought about the babies constantly even though I have tried to push those thoughts way down deep. I would be 17 weeks and 2 days. Why do I keep track of that? Today I saw the pregnant women that seem to outnumber the stars and make me want to run and scream. Today I saw all the babies and wondered if my most precious gift would ever be a big brother... and my heart ached.

I love church. I love going, I love singing to God, I love listening to the sermons. They always seem to be directed towards me and say just what I need to hear. I just don't get why some days are so much harder than others. It's been two and a half months since losing the babies, you'd think I'd be passed the tears. Yet they still sneak up on me when I least expect it. As we sat in church the memories of that sweet Sunday when we told Jeff's aunt and uncle that Chase would be a big brother flooded my thoughts. It was so wonderful, they were so excited for us. We were sitting in the very same seats as we had been that day. The day I sang to God and thanked him for his blessings. Then the memory of that terrible phone call snuck in and turned my thoughts into something horrible. The phone call that told me something was terribly, terribly wrong. The phone call that caused my happiness to come crashing down. Then the tears came, there was no stopping them. As I strained to keep the tears and sobs from coming the words of a song I've never heard before filled my ears. A song that sung to my heart. A song that was telling me it's OK, everything will be OK. I couldn't find it on you.tube, but I did find it here. The lyrics are at the end of this post or on the link if you click it. It is an awesome song.

I'll admit it, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say, I don't know where to go, and I don't know what to think. I feel so very lost. Surely God has a plan and even though I certainly don't understand it, I just have to trust it. Surely that is it.




**I am grateful for
1) the tears come less, but boy do they come hard
2) despite tough days, they do have happy moments
3) there is one heck of a cold front coming
4) the tahoe is doing much better
5) daylight savings time is next week and boy do I love an extra hour of sleep

When I Don't Know What To Do

Tommy Walker WeMobile Music ©2005 CCLI #4556332

Lord I surrender all to Your strong and faithful hand

In everything I will give thanks to You

I'll just trust Your perfect plan

Chorus

When I don't know what to do

I'll lift my hands

When I don't know what to say

I'll speak Your praise

When I don't know where to go

I'll run to Your throne

When I don't know what to think

I'll stand on Your truth

When I don't know what to do

Lord I surrender all

Though I'll never understand

All the mysteries around me

I'll just trust your perfect plan

Bridge

As I bow my knee

Send Your perfect peace

Send Your perfect peace Lord

As I lift my hands

Let Your healing come

Let Your healing come to me

13 weeks

I would have been 13 weeks today. I used to love Fridays. Now I almost hate them because they are like milestones that I'm not making. I wish I didn't think of these things, that I could stop. The "other" teacher was talking to me this afternoon and my friend asked her again when she was due. I blurted out, "She's due right before me." As soon as I said it I froze. Why did I say that? I quickly corrected myself , "She's due right before I was." After that I had to leave, I could feel the tears coming. It was an awful day, an awful week. That just fit right in.

I was told today that I have 2009 to look forward to because I'm doing IVF again. I don't look forward to it. I don't look forward to the pills, the shots, the patches, the hormones, the mood swings, the blood draws, the ultrasounds, the appointments, the money, the total invasion of life, the iv, the retrieval, the waiting, the hoping, the worry, the transfer, the waiting, the worry, the waiting, the bedrest, the restrictions, the waiting, the list goes on and on. I hate it. I hate every.single.minute of it! Of course I will do it, but God I don't want to. If it works, it's so worth it. If it doesn't work it's like having your heart broken a million times over. If it works and then you lose the baby or babies, it's like having your life sucked right out of you. I so don't look forward to it.

I am constantly grasping for the answer of why our babies were taken. The only explanation I can come up with is that Granny loved babies and the Lord felt she needed my babies to be there for her. I can't think of one other explanation. Perhaps that should give me comfort. She is holding her great-great grandchildren and they are holding her.

***I am grateful for
1) it's the weekend
2) a soft bed and a Tylenol PM (or 2), 11 hour days since returning after Ike are about to do me in
3) beautiful weather today
4) October starts my favorite time of year
5) tomorrow I'm spending the day w/Chase and perhaps we'll be lucky enough to meet up w/Duchess

What the heart has once known...

it will never forget.

I find myself wishing that I could just stop thinking about the babies. That I could move on, focus on the now, and to just forget the pain. The problem is that my wishing is not actually doing anything. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to move on. I've decided that a negative from our last IVF would have been so much easier to deal with than the loss of the twins has been. I wouldn't be mourning the children that we lost, I would just be mourning the dream that didn't come true. I think that would have been so much easier.

***I am grateful for
1) patience (when I have it)
2) quiet times
3) Tomorrow is Payday... thank God!
4) love
5) surprise kisses

The babies are gone...

Thursday evening I miscarried our sweet babies. It was painful emotionally, painful physically, and painful mentally. We were 6 weeks and 6 days. They were so very tiny, not even completely formed yet... but is was very obvious what they were as they passed about 45 minutes apart. I guess even up until the end you think maybe, just maybe this is a bad dream and isn't really happening. Now there is no denial, they are gone. To my body it is now just like a regular period with cramping, so maybe it is moving on. In a way I am relieved this part is over because knowing it was coming and waiting for it to happen was awful. It also means that my number will bottom out and I can quit going for blood work. But then it makes me feel so empty and numb. I should be going for ultrasounds and OB appointments, but that won't be happening. My babies are gone.

**I am grateful for
1) Chase cuddling while we watch cartoons in the morning, even if it's only for a few minutes
2) moving forward
3) the worst of the m/c is over (I hope)
4) tomorrow we have church, I think I need it
5) the weekend is here

Bring the Rain (MercyMe)

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

***I am grateful for
1) the weekend is almost here
2) even though I dread the start of the school year, it does mean I have a job and that is something to be grateful for
3) everything is a learning experience
4) we have lots of prayers coming our way
5) hope, I still have it, I know I do

How do you stop the tears? (sad post, feel free to skip it)

This is absolutely killing me. One minute I'm fine and the next I'm just a puddle of sadness. I went to get my blood work today after taking Chase to the sitter and cried almost the entire way there. It seems like such torture to have to walk in there knowing that my pregnancy is over. I got the tears to turn off and took the walk down what felt like the Gre.en Mil.e to my REs. The lady in front of my signing in was on cloud 9 as she announced she was just there so they could check where her numbers were at today! Yeah, I was there just so they could just check mine too, just check to see if my babies were gone yet. I went back to get my blood drawn with the usual, "how are you today?" Awful. Horrible. Heartbroken. Devastated. Want to hear more? As the needle went in my arm for the countless time since June 23rd I felt the tears coming. I made my next appointment through the sobs and left. Sweet relief, a quiet elevator to myself. Nope, one floor down a glowing mom with her newborn got on. I just had to turn away, why let her see me sad and rain on her parade. As I got in the Tahoe the tears came again, it's like I have no control. I hate it. I made my way to the mall to pick up a treat for Doodlebug and ran into three different people I know. You guessed it, more tears. After the third run-in I figured it was time to get the heck out of there. On my way home it hit me, today was the day we saw Chase's heartbeat. Today is 6w5d. It was such a wonderful time w/Chase, today it is just another cause of tears. My numbers are slowly creeping down and I won't go back in until Monday. At this point we know they are not going back up, so at least I don't have to go in as much. Besides, I go back to work on Tuesday so every other day is impossible now anyway. I'm still waiting to m/c but have lots of cramps, that must mean it's on it's way. I just want it to be all over, I want to forget, I want to stop crying.

***I am grateful for
1) I have three more days with Chase before I have to go back to work
2) the holidays are almost here, October - December is my favorite time of year
3) I got the checkbook balanced, too bad there's not more money! ;o)
4) Our anniversary is coming up, 9 whole years
5) we got the decorating done for the entrance of the school and it looks pretty darn good

"...The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” Job 1:21

Our number has continued to drop, it is over. Our RE is as sad as we are. I have to continue blood work every other day until my number goes back to zero and we will wait to m/c naturally at this point. Losing one baby was devastating, losing twins is almost unbearable. I now have three sweet angels in heaven, at least I know they are together. We have no answers as to why, everything had gone so well. We will try again, but I'm not sure when. We are required to take at least a one month break before starting again. The school year is beginning, we have a wedding out of state in October, and then the holidays will be here. I refuse to spend our holidays planning around IVF, so it really looks like it won't be until after the first of the year at this point. I guess we'll focus on enjoying the time between now and the next cycle and using it to get healthier and relaxed again. I am going to miss these babies, our one week with no worries was pure heaven. I wish I could have bottled it up to keep forever.

***I am grateful for
1) we are supposed to get rain tomorrow and with rain comes rainbows
2) no more ups and downs, at least we know now
3) we have each other still
4) this weekend we are planning on taking the boat out
5) God never gives us more than we can handle

A Test of Faith

The past 10 days have tested my faith a lot, but today tested it more than I possibly imagined it could. After our two failed IVFs I was very bitter towards God. How could he allow people to have children that didn't want them or would harm them and not give us the child that we so desperately wanted? A sibling for our sweet Chase? My heart grew very cold and I got the point that I really didn't care anymore. I didn't care if we went to church, I didn't care if I prayed, I didn't care if the Lord was in my life. I was completely lost. With time the pain grew less and I found my way back to God. All along he was there with me, I just didn't see it. He has a plan, right? Then we did IVF#4 and we learned we had been given that child, that sibling for Chase we so longed for. Then we learned that our hearts were again being broken and that we were losing that child. I have prayed and tried very hard to keep God in my heart this time. I've tried to remember that he is right by me, holding my hand every moment. He loves me and does not want me to hurt, but sometimes things happen that we don't understand. This is one of those times. I just don't understand.

I don't want to think about this pregnancy and loss all the time, but I do. It haunts me. It invades my sleep and the moment I escape my dreams into reality it rushes to my mind. I love our church, I know I've said that before. However, this morning I had such a hard time getting up and ready to go. As we drove down the road it dawned on me that today was Baby Dedication Day. My heart sank and I could fill the tears welling up inside of me. I thought, "maybe no one signed up, maybe it got postponed." At least I hoped that that no one had signed up or it had been postponed. No such luck. As the families came up with their sweet babies, it was all I could do to not sob. Then, right in front of us, came the test. A family with twins, tiny, precious, perfect twin girls. I failed. I absolutely panicked, the tears flowed, and I bolted. I bolted right out of the auditorium and out of the church. I didn't know where to go or what to do, I just knew I had to get out of there. I had to get away from the babies, the joy, the celebration of life.

Jeff eventually hunted me down and we made it back to hear the sermon. The sermon was titled Overcoming the Obstacles. Could it have fit anymore? I don't know what to do. Part of me is so happy that I have Chase and he is so amazing. Yet part of me feels so sad and empty. How will I ever overcome these obstacles? I just don't know if I'm strong enough to do this.

****I am grateful for
1) today is over
2) I actually got to watch some of the Olympics this evening instead of The Dis.ney Chan.nel!
3) tomorrow we go to meet with our RE and discuss this horrible journey
4) the grocery shopping is done
5) I still believe miracles happen

No celebration today

Our BETA is back down to 190. We are stopping all meds and will go in on Monday afternoon for a blood draw and to talk directly to our RE. He still thinks it could be vanishing twin or it could be a pregnancy that is over but being sustained by the meds. My hopes are not high, I'm a reality person. I don't think I can handle the roller coaster anymore. I just want this part to end. We'll try again as soon as he gives us the all clear. I just never thought we'd be in this position and it breaks my heart.

**I am grateful for
1) tomorrow is a new day
2) time will ease the pain
3) this kind of pain is rare
4) I will go on to smile again
5) I have Chase