I remember we had to be there early. So early that it still looked like night outside as we got into the Tahoe. I hadn't been able to sleep very much that night because I was too excited, too scared, too nervous, too anxious, too happy, too hopeful. I honestly don't think there was really one emotion I hadn't felt at some point. I didn't know what to expect when we arrived. Neither did Jeff. Was it going hurt? Was it going to change our lives forever? Would our hopes come true or would we be crushed? It had only been three days, what if we hadn't waited long enough. What if we arrived only to found out that something had gone terribly wrong. Surely everything would be OK, we had faith.
As we drove down the road making turns here and there, we talked and prayed. We imagined how great things would be when we got "the news" that we had been waiting years for. What would we do next? Could we really be so lucky? So blessed? I can still close my eyes and see the scenery passing by and feel my heart racing just as it did that early morning. The closer we got the more I could feel the emotions raging inside of me. I just wanted to be done. I told myself a million times, "once this part is over, I can relax. I can stop worrying." Truth is it's been 6 years and I haven't relaxed or stopped worrying yet. I have feeling that I never will until the day I die.
When we pulled into the parking lot the sun was finally coming up. We gathered the things we'd need, which wasn't much, and got out to start on the next journey of our lives. We walked towards the doors and held hands tight. I'm not sure who was more anxious. We checked in, sat down, and waited. Trying not to look awkward, trying to pretend like we totally knew what was in store for us. Before too long a nice older woman came to pick us up. I can remember she was friendly and did her best to make us feel comfortable and relax. She made small talk as we walked down the hall, went up the elevator, down more halls, around corners. She pointed out different things here and there. Told us about her family, how amazing it was that we were doing what we were, how brave. She was right really, it was amazing. I'm not so sure on the brave part. Surely anyone would be willing to do this to receive something so grand. Eventually we arrived at our destination and she bid us good luck and farewell.
Another sweet lady showed us to the room where we would wait for our next set of instructions. We had been here before, but this time it was so much less hurried than it had been the last time. Before there were people in and out, questions being asked, forms being signed, things to be done, done now, hurry, no time to lose! This time we just sat there and stared at each other. We weren't used to the quietness and relaxed atmosphere, did that mean something was wrong???? Surely there was something we should be doing.
After what seemed like hours, but was really maybe half an hour, he came in. My heart practically stopped and I held my breath to hear if it would be good things he had to say or bad things. I was so relieved to hear news that I had wanted to hear. Good news. He told us how things would go, patted us on the back, and said he'd see us in a few more minutes. This time Jeff got to go with me, that helped a lot. I hated being alone before.
We were taken back and waited. The room was small. The four of us could actually barely fit and I'm pretty sure it would have taken less than five steps to get from one end to the other. Now there was hustle and bustle again though, more like we were used to. I think it makes me feel better because it takes the focus off of us. Off of why were are there in the first place, when something like this should take place at home, in private. Believe it or not, I don't usually like to be the center of attention and unfortunately that had been happening a lot lately. Suddenly, without any kind of warning, there was this picture in front of me. It was the most beautiful picture I had ever seen. It took my breath away and made my soul cry. Could it be real or was this just some hoax? Surely, these things that were so beautiful could not be mine? What made me worthy of that? Immediately I ached to have the real things in my arms, not just a picture. I guess those things happen though, it's an instinct buried inside of us.
Moments later we watched a small miracle happen. Really, it wasn't all that small, it was huge. Bigger than most actually. Maybe I should say a fast miracle happen. Because it was fast, much faster than most things. I honestly don't know any other way to describe it other than it was a miracle that would change who we were forever. Just as quickly as the room had gotten busy, it was quiet again. We had been wished good luck and like that, I was taken away. Jeff had to go a different way now and I hated being alone but it gave me time to think. After what seemed like hours, but was more like half an hour, we left, just as we had come. Excited, scared, nervous, anxious, happy, and hopeful. But this time, this time I had something else. I had confidence too.
I could say our story ends there, but really that wouldn't be fair, because it doesn't. 6 years have passed and this story is still going strong. In fact, he's five years old now and is sitting on the floor in front of me entertaining his little sister. I look back and can't believe that we were so blessed to have our first IVF work. Yes, there were more bumps in the road, but in the end I did get to hold that beautiful embryo in my arms. It's amazing how much can change in just six short years...
I know that this miracle may have started off as something little, but it sure turned in to something big.
~ Kahla
****I am grateful for
1) little miracles
2) big somethings
3) that six years ago was just the beginning of this story
4) that we are so blessed
5) that we were chosen to be his parents and get to ride this journey with him
6) Dr. Gill at HFI and all the others that helped us along, they are our heroes
7) The Lord above, who really made this all possible by working through others
Posts
