Walk On...

It appears that although there aren't lots of comments made on here, that we do have quite the following for our blog, and if I don't update for a few days I gets lots of how are yous and is everything OK? While I would like to thank everyone for thinking of us, I assure you all that we are fine. Just busy and always seeming to run out of time to get everything done.

I have been having such a hard time with this IVF cycle that I'm determined to get my head and heart passed it and learn to be happy again. Happy to have Chase, happy to have Jeff, and happy to know that this wasn't the end of the road. I've decided I'm going to pick myself up off the ground and walk on (for those Reba fans out there). I think I've kinda said that before, but tomorrow is going to be a brand new day and I think it's the perfect day to start getting on with what's important. Besides, in less than three weeks it's back to work, so I need to enjoy what's left of the summer with my little guy!

I need to upload pictures too, I got an awesome picture of Chase and Jeff, maybe I'll just put that on my to do list!

The Greatest Show On Earth

As I sat looking over my blog I realized that the last few posts have been some serious downers and that I really needed a major pick-me-up... and, as we all know there is no better pick-me-up than my Little Doodlebug. This past Saturday we had the chance to attend Chase's first ever circus. It just so happened that this past May I read an email at just the right time and managed to grab us 6 2nd row floor seats for the Greatest Show on Earth! By grab I mean spend a small fortune on 6 2nd row floor seats and by fortune I mean right at $400... but it was Chase's first circus after all and that only comes once in a lifetime so I figured the splurge was worth it.

Mads, Uncle Will, and Duchess joined us and we had a spectacular time. I will say that the circus has changed quite a bit from what I remember (which isn't much) and is no longer lots of animals but tons of action and stunts. We saw the white tigers, Smashcar (the clown version of Nascar), clowns galore, elephants, tricks on horses, out of this world acrobats, trained cats and dogs, and our most breath-taking the motorcycles in the sphere. There was so much your mind was just spinning, the list could go on and on. The motorcycles were the last act and absolutely amazing. Chase never had a nap and I still don't think he ever took his eyes off of the show. It was so neat to be right up by the action and even though I know he won't remember it, we always will. I really do think it was the Greatest Show on Earth! Watching my Doodlebug in awe of the magic *almost* made me feel like a kid again, it was worth every cent.

The Rainbow Connection

There is a song that was written by Paul Williams that Kermit the Frog sings in the opening of The Muppet Movie. It's a song about rainbows and believing that they have a special something about them. I've always loved this song since the first time I heard it. The tune, the words, it just makes me feel happy, gives me hope.

I'm still having a hard time with this whole negative thing, much harder than I thought I would be at this point. The days aren't bad because I have Chase and he keeps me way too busy to sit and feel sorry for myself and the dream that was not meant to be. I don't know how I could survive this ordeal without him (and his Daddy of course, let's not forget him). But the nights are so hard... when it's quiet and both of my guys are lost in slumber. My mind won't break away from what makes my heart ache and I hate it. I find myself dreading the evenings when I know what's coming. I have got to get past this, but I don't know how.

So since that time is coming and things will be quiet all too soon I decided to listen to this wonderful song that has let me feel that hope I so desperately need. That hope for which some unknown reason it brings to me, to my heart. I know it's not quite the same as hearing it, but here are the lyrics just in case someone else needs some hope too.


THE RAINBOW CONNECTION

Why are there so many songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
And rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Who said that every wish would be heard and answered
when wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that
and someone believed it,
and look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing?
And what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
the lovers, the dreamers and me.

All of us under its spell,
we know that it's probably magic....

Have you been half asleep
and have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors?
The voice might be one and the same.
I've heard it too many times to ignore it.
It's something that I'm supposed to be.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
the lovers, the dreamers and me.
La, la la, La, la la la, La Laa, la la, La, La la laaaaaaa

Just when we think the sun is gone forever, it peeks out from behind the clouds and you know it's going to be ok...

Yesterday's news still sucks, but 24 hours does make it sting a little less... sort of... well, not really. I always think of myself as the strong one, the one that gets knocked down and then stands right back up. Yet I think I've cried buckets of tears and Jeff has been my rock. Of course Chase helps too, he tells me he wuvs me and shares lots of hugs and kisses with me. What would I do without my two guys?Fortunately I'll never have to know!

That being said, let's talk about this cycle. We had never really let is cross our minds that it may not work, so that made this whole negative stuff that much harder. I guess I was naive in assuming that because it ran so identical to Chase's, we'd have the same outcome. Boy did I learn a lesson the hard way there! We went in to talk to Dr. G this afternoon and he assured us that we had done nothing wrong and that sometimes things just don't work like we thought they would. He said that things had gone just like they should and that we'll never know why it didn't work. He did say that the embryos looked good, but there is no way to do genetic testing and it could have been genetic. That with Chase, he was a perfect embryo (we knew that *wink*) and he took and that maybe these just weren't. Nature likes perfect after all. That having it work the first time and not the second does make it hard, but that we would NOT give up and we WOULD have another baby. He assured me I wasn't too old and that my eggs were not bad... thank God. And most importantly, he reminded me that things would be ok.

Jeff and I have always been willing to do a fresh IVF cycle again, but at $11,000+ a pop, it's not something we can actually afford time and time again. We are almost done paying off Chase and will be paying on this IVF for the next four years. Can I say how much it sucks to make payments on an IVF that didn't work? Ugh. That being said, Dr. G is my hero and has always come through for us. Without us even asking, he went on to say that he would be waiving his fee for us to do our next fresh cycle. To give you an idea, that is about $7,000! We will only be responsible for paying the hospital (about $3,000) and our meds (about $1,500). The only condition is we take a couple of months off so that 1) my body can recover 2) we can recover mentally. He related this to experiencing a death and said we'll go through the seven stages (I think I've hit three already) and that we would know when we were ready again. We need to take time, relax, have some margaritas and then we'll go again.

I won't continue to go on and on, the point it this negative sucks, but we're going to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and get back on that pony. I'm excited that we'll be cycling again and I'm excited that it won't be right away. I guess that sometimes when you think the sun is gone forever, it peaks out from behind the clouds and you know it's going to be ok.

My heart is broken...

Our BETA was negative.

How to make the perfect pizza, Chase style...

Chase is very much into "helping." This means helping with everything from doing the dishes, to giving me my shots each evening, to the best thing of all... making pizza. He LOVES pizza, but then again, what 28 month old doesn't? We usually have pizza once a week (I know, bad) and this is really the first time that Doodlebug got to help. Here is his recipe:

First, make sure that the cheese is ok for human consumption. This means sliding your hand across the pizza and gathering as much cheese/sauce as possible to shove into your mouth at one time. Repeat as necessary.


Next, you must taste each pepperoni before placing it onto the pizza to ensure that is was made with only the best ingredients. You can also do the following: one pepperoni for Chase, one pepperoni for the pizza, one pepperoni for Chase, one pepperoni for the pizza, etc. After ensuring that all pepperonies have been tested accordingly, proceed to do the same with black olives and mushrooms.


Last give a cute grin so that eyes are distracted from the sauce still on your chin, put pizza in oven, bake, and enjoy!

Just Wishin’’ and hopin’’ and thinkin’’ and prayin"...

Not really much to update on. I went in Monday for bloodwork, we boostered my HCG and I started my Estrace (Estrogen) and patches. Then I went in again today for more bloodwork and we are going to booster my HCG again. Last time we only boostered it once, but apparently procedure has changed. It was explained to me that your lining (where baby implants for simpler terms) starts to deteriorate after you ovulate so the HCG makes your body think you are pregnant giving the embryos more time to implant or helping to substain an early pregnancy. I'll go back Friday for more bloodwork. Our official BETA (pg test) is on the 19th, so freaking far away! And of course I can't even pee on a stick and it be accurate because I KNOW I have HCG in my system which would make it be positive. Ugh.

My birthday is Friday and I will be 31. I keep trying to think, but I'm really not sure how this happened. When I look at myself I still see a 25 year old staring back at me. I'm just not sure where all the time has gone. I am now closer to 40 than 20, which just.... well it's so not cool. I told my mom earlier today that really they say 30 is the new 20, so actually I'm turning 21. ;o) I don't think she bought it. At least if nothing else my birthday is on Friday the 13th this year, that is always cool!