My how time flies....

Three years ago today we found out that I was pregnant. We didn't know it was twins and that we would lose one and we didn't know just what truly was in store for us, but we knew that we were finally on the road to holding our sweet, sweet baby in our arms. We knew we were happy and scared and excited. We knew that our prayers had been answered and that a miracle was on the way.

I can remember the phone call like it was yesterday, truly some of the most wonderful words I had ever hard. I was sitting in a workshop and fully expected the usual phone call of, "Your blood work looked great, stay on the same dose of meds, come back day after tomorrow." yet I was greeted with, "Kahla, it looks like you're pregnant!" I was totally taken off guard, which was awesome since having done IVF we figured there would be no *surprise* of finding out because we were on a schedule after all and had been told we would receive a pregnancy test 14 days after our retrieval. Yet we were only 9, how was I to know they were even running a pregnancy test! I immediately cried tears of joy and scared the begeebers out of my instructor, who promptly sent me on my way to share the news with Jeff. I called him as I drove the 20 miles home and have no clue how I kept from screaming into the phone that he was going to be a Daddy... but I did manage it and drove to the place he was, asked him to meet me in the parking lot, and barely let him get a hi out before bursting out with it. Not the most unique way, but it was perfect just the same.

Now three years later we spent the day chasing our 28 month old around, dealing with the terrible twos, and loving every minute of it... well, almost every minute. I could probably deal with out the fit throwing, but then it wouldn't be the terrible twos, would it? I know I've said it before, but it's amazing what a difference three short years can make!

Now for the other good stuff:

I had my ultrasound/blood work yesterday and my ovaries are packed with follicles. I feel like I have two cantaloupes shoved inside me and even Dr. G asked if I was feeling it yet? I promptly responded with a grunted yes and as soon as he turned on the ultrasound he said he could see why.... good sign in my book. I went ahead and stimmed last night and we went in this morning for another ultrasound/blood work. My lead follicle was a 22 and I am 100% ready to go, both mentally and physically. I'm pretty sure that if I don't get these out soon, I'm going to burst! So we're going to trigger tonight at 11:30 (this will make poke number 33 for this round of IVF, but who's counting) and then we'll go to the hospital at 9:00 on Monday for our retrieval. Dr. G made the comment that we are on the exact schedule as Chase as far as triggering on d13, retrieving on d15, transferring on d18, which is cool to me. I commented back that we're all for that because it worked last time, so that's another good sign. He agreed. I guess this will be my last update until after the retrieval so wish us luck!

19 shots down already!

Since I take two shots a day, we're 19 shots down already! And several blood draws too! ;o) My ultrasound went really well this morning and it looks like there are about 7 follicles (these hold the eggs) on my left ovary and 4 on my right. I think I may have gotten numbers backwards last time, I'm not sure. There could be more we aren't seeing and of course all the ones we can see may not be mature when it comes time to retrieve them, but I think the numbers are looking good. They are measuring between 13 and 15, so we are definitely getting close. I go back Friday for another ultrasound/bloodwork and I'm guessing we'll have dates for our retrieval at that time. It could be as soon as Sunday!

On a side note the carpet is done and it looks awesome! Pictures to come (as soon as I find the camera).

You've Got Questions, I've Got Answers!

I get lots of questions in emails and during phone calls and I honestly don't mind them a bit. But since I get the same ones time and time again, I thought I would do a question/answer post. If you have one that I haven't answered and you're really curious, just let me know and I'll add it!

Does IVF hurt?

Well that can vary. Last time it was 69 days from our first shot to our last. In the beginning it didn't hurt at all, Jeff would give me a shot and that was that. Granted, I've been told I have a high pain tolerance so maybe that has something to do with it. After about 3 or 4 weeks of hip shots (progesterone shots that go in my hips with a 1 1/2 inch needle) they did get pretty sore because by that point we were giving shots on top of where other shots had been given. They also started bleeding pretty bad towards the end and developed lumps.

The ultrasounds don't hurt at all and having blood taken is no big deal either. The follicle stimulating hormones (FSH) that goes in my tummy are with a tiny needle and can barely be felt. The one that goes in my hip stings like you wouldn't believe, then it just starts itching.

During the egg retrieval you are under anesthesia, so you don't feel anything until you wake up. At that point you are are just sore and the embryo transfer is not painful either.

Is IVF expensive?

Unfortunately, it is VERY expensive. There are a lucky few that have awesome insurance that covers it and then there are way more, like us, that don't. From start to finish we will pay around $12,000 for this cycle. We did get some donated meds and that saved us about $1,500. Then we bought some other meds at a very discounted price and that saved us about another $1,000. So if we paid full price, it would run about $14,000 - $15,000 per cycle with no guarantee of a pregnancy.

Texas does have a mandate that insurance companies must offer employers a policy that covered IVF, but employers are not required to purchase this policy for the employees. Some states require that IVF be covered, I wish Texas would do that.

How long does it take to complete a cycle?

That depends on your protocol. We started birth control pills on May 21st. I had a Lupron shot on June 11th to suppress my system and get it ready for IVF. Then I started my stims (to produce follicles) on June 18th. Our retrieval will be around the end of this week and transfer around July 4th. Then it takes two weeks to get a positive pregnancy test. So from start to finish we are looking at 2 months. However, we will not be released from our RE (specialist) for another 4 weeks after that, so really it's about 3 months.

Do you think it's worth it?

Have you seen my Doodlebug? Chase makes every little bit of our journey worth it and so will his sibling(s).

Do you have to do IVF? Can't you just relax and get pregnant?

Well if all it took was relaxing, I'd have a litter by now. While it is possible that we could conceive without IVF, we have a better chance of roping the moon blindfolded with our hands tied behind our backs (I think you get the picture). We are dealing with male factor infertility (the boys are swimming in circles and refuse to ask for directions) so IVF is only option. With IVF we bypass all our problems because the sperm is directly put into the egg.

Will you tell Chase and his siblings that they are IVF babies?

Yes, when the time is right we will tell them. IVF does not make them any less loved or any different. In fact, they are conceived with more love than you can ever imagine. Just think of how much love goes in to this and how much these children are wanted. They will know that we wanted nothing in our lives, more than we wanted them. Because we are dealing with male factor there is a very good chance that it could be hereditary and passed down. We want our children to know that if they ever find themselves on this path, that there are ways to build their family and it will be ok. It would not be fair to deprive them of information that could save them from a lifetime of heartache.

What exactly is IVF?

One of the best-known treatments for infertility is in vitro fertilization, or IVF. It is highly effective for both female and male factor infertility. It offers the best chance of pregnancy per cycle, but is also the most expensive form of treatment. As a result, IVF is often utilized only after trying more conservative treatments. The in vitro fertilization procedure involves hormone injections to stimulate ovaries to mature eggs, which are then retrieved through aspiration. Fertilization of the eggs takes place in a laboratory. The resulting embryos are nourished in an incubator and, at a predetermined stage of development, transferred into the uterus to continue normal fetal development.

We also use Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection (ICSI). ICSI involves the insertion of a single sperm directly into a mature egg obtained from the ovary of a woman undergoing in vitro fertilization. The babies born after ICSI are just as healthy as babies conceived spontaneously.

Why don't you just use a surrogate?

We don't use one because we don't need one. Our problem is not the carrying of a child to a full term pregnancy, in fact, I had a perfect pregnancy with Chase and he would have been more than happy to keep on baking if we hadn't evicted him. Our problem lies in the whole getting pregnant part.

Is Chase all yours? (I get this A LOT!)

Yes, Chase is 100% biologically mine and Jeff's child and his siblings will be too. There are cases where donor egg and sperm are used and I'm thankful that's an option for those that need it. But in our case, we are able to use my eggs and Jeff's sperm, which makes our children 100% biologically ours.

Is it Friday yet?

Boy, this has been one long week and it's only Monday! I had another ultrasound/bloodwork this morning and things are headed in the right direction. Dr. G counted 6 follicles on the left and 3 on the right (possibly more) and they are all at 11 or 12. They need to get to 20 in order to retrieve so we're well on our way. Looks like the date will be towards the end of this week, beginning of next. I had figured around the 30th, which is Saturday, so not bad. I'll go back Wednesday for my next ultrasound/bloodwork.

As for everything else, just busy, busy, busy! Our new carpet is being installed tomorrow, which means that everything that is small enough for us to move is now sitting in my kitchen and laundry room, can't tell you how nice that is. I can't wait for tomorrow to be over, so we can start getting things put back where they belong! Wish me luck!!

And just for the heck of it, here's a recent favorite pic of Chase. I just think this is adorable, definitely the way to make a fashion statement!

What God Meant..

What God meant...

Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones; "just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant," or "why can't you just be happy with what you have," or the most painful from the ones who seem to have the good on God's plan; "maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never ceases to amaze me. These same people would never walk up to someone with cancer and say, "maybe God never meant for you to live." However since I am infertile, I am supposed to get on with my life.

It is hard to understand why people cannot see infertility for what it is: a disease for which I have the right to seek treatment. What if doctors said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of children to be cripples, live in iron lungs or die." What if they never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that was God's plan?

Why do I think God gave me infertility? I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up each time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, and to create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility. No, God never meant for me NOT to have children. That is not my destiny, that is just a fork in the road I am on. I have been placed on the road less traveled, and like it or not, I am a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and have greater inner strength on this journey to resolution and I haven't let him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God singled me out for special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and deep that when the baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest most refreshing drink I have ever known. While I would never have chosen infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could never experience the joy that I know awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And, the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice, I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility, I already know."

Anon

**Disclaimer: Sometimes we hear comments that while they are not meant to hurt, they do. If you have never gone through infertility, then it's really hard to understand. Why should those suffering with infertility feel any different about the longings for a family than those who or not suffering with this horrible disease (yes, it's a disease). It's it a difficult path? One of the most difficult we have ever traveled. Is it worth the pain, money, time, and heartaches? If you take one look at Chase, you would know that answer. While this is not meant to offend anybody, I do hope that maybe it can help those that don't have a very good understanding just a little bit.**

Duct Tape

We had our house built when we got married in 99 and as with most construction they were behind schedule and we closed about a month after the wedding. So in September the house will be 8 years old. We never planned on staying in this house for 8 years and we long ago outgrew it, but things happen and plans change. Our mortgage is cheap, REAL cheap, and as much as we would LOVE a bigger, newer, nicer, did I say BIGGER house, it's hard to face tripling our note… especially with all the IVF debt. We figure we can get a few more years out of this one, pay off the kids (well, pay off the conceiving of the kids), and then look at something bigger and better.

When we had this house built it was nightmare. Long story short we ended up in a lawsuit with the builder that lasted three long years before finally getting the things fixed that needed fixed. Since then it's been much better and after accepting the fact that we were not going anywhere anytime soon, we've been doing little things here and there to help make our stay more comfortable. We FINALLY added grass to the backyard, we're painting the outside (fortunately it's about 95% brick!), added some stepping stones in the front, slowing replacing faucets (I hope) and most importantly we're getting new carpet... which leads me to our newest adventure in homeownership.

Our carpet is scheduled to be installed Tuesday, as in three days from now. While I have given up all hope of keeping our current carpet in any kind of decent condition, I no doubt will be like a mother bear protecting her cub when it comes to the new stuff. Just simple things like no ding dongs in the living room, no Koolaid in the living room, no, well you get the picture. Last night as I walked from the living room to the kitchen I stepped in a nice round puddle. As I did my double take to make sure that our bulldog, Molly, had not made an oopsie on the carpet, I quickly noticed that it was dark. Definitely not an oopsie. So the next thing that popped into my head was the can of Dr. Pepper that my sweet son had gone tottling off with just mere minutes before. As I snapped at Jeff and the fact that he had just walked over this spot and why didn’t HE clean it up (let’s just say the hormones have invaded me) I realized that it indeed was not an oopsie or Dr. Pepper, just water and dirt (did I mention our carpet is really bad?). Now the question was, where was this water coming from? As we quickly searched for the culprit a horrible thought came creeping into my head. Yep, the a/c. Figures. Sure enough the a/c guy is here and our bill is up to $750ish and rising by the moment. Why is it always something? I would love to just say, put some duct tape on there and get it over with, but with the new carpet being installed in three days I can’t use that as my solution unless I want to risk ruining $2200 in carpet next week. I swear it is always something. One step forward, two steps back. And they said duct tape could fix anything!

Lookin' Good

Another week of summer vacation gone... *sigh* It's amazing how slowly the school year can go by, yet summer just flies at the speed of light!

After crossing our first IVF hurdle on Monday with the all clear on the bloodwork/ultrasound, we faced hurdle #2 today. I've now been on stims for 5 days (hence I'm getting my green glow) and this morning I had my ultrasound/bloodwork to verify that I was responding. I know I have no reason to worry about these appointments, but I do. It's my nature. If I wasn't worrying, I'd worry about that! I went in and everything looked great on the ultrasound and I have several follicles on both sides that are 9's and 10's, right where they should be. *phew* My bloodwork also looked good, so we'll keep on the same doses med wise and I'll go in on Monday for my next ultrasound/bloodwork.

Jeff has picked up on the shot thing like an old pro, it's almost scary. We are actually 9 shots down already and I'm not even bruised... that bad! I so can't wait to be on the other side of this part, but then that just means more of my summer is gone!

Hope everyone has a great weekend!